City Boy visits The Shire pt 2

Disclaimer: If you're reading this and remotely fancy me, maybe you're contemplating asking me out, PLEASE STOP READING NOW - I promise not to write a blog about you when quoting this reference code: #DidntReadIt

City Boy visits The Shire pt 2

I began sweating and was quickly backing out the car, as he tried to mask his alarm at my sudden change in attitude. I reached behind me for the door handle and began to make my escape.

"I'm ever so sorry, I've got to go right now", I said, as I fled the car quicker than David Cameron post Brexit referendum.
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"Don't forget your scarf!" City Boy called after me (My date, not David Cameron).  I contemplated leaving the scarf but reached back for it.

Safely inside my car, my heart began to settle, and my breathing slowed down. I quickly undid the top button on my jeans, followed by my belt. Finally, I could relax.

Yup, you guessed it. I had just narrowly avoided a scenario where I hotboxed the car with my fart while snogging City Boy for the first time.

My initial feeling of relief was not long-lived; I suddenly realised I couldn't "let go". Fuck. This was a code R19.7, and for those who aren't medically trained or have IBS, that's a CODE LAVA BROWN.

I began to drive my Honda Jazz out the car park like a formula one driver, I channelled my inner Lewis Hamilton and navigated my track with speed and precision.  So much so, I found myself directly behind City Boy who had left ahead of me. I knew we were driving the same course until my next right-hand-turn, all I could do was pray he wouldn't see me driving at speed behind him and think I was chasing him down!

I made my right-hand turn and was no longer behind City Boy. I was on the home straight; all I had to do was hold on. Then my phone rang, it was him.

Have you ever tried to answer the phone (hands-free) in a nonchalant manner when you're in a world of pain (and quite frankly fear)? Well let me tell you, it's tough.

"Hey, I thought you were showing me the way back to your place then", City Boy said with a fake laugh and a hopeful lilt to the end of his sentence.

"Oh, haha, oh no. *weird unexplained noise*, I choked out.

"Listen, I'd love to be getting in your pants right now but I just need to get back. City Boy drawled out. "But listen, let's do Tuesday night. Let me know timings."

"Yes, sounds delightful" is all I could manage in way of response.

I won't go into detail about what happened next but as I was running to my front door I'd forgotten I had undone my top button and belt, there was a scuffle with my jeans and any neighbours watching got an eye full.

But I made it.

Later, City Boy texted regarding his 'getting in your pants' comment, to say he wanted to return to The Shire for a 'nightcap'. I realised that he wasn't in it for the long adventure or an unexpected journey... he just wanted 'my precious.'

When I called him out on his 'fuck boy' behaviour and said "it's going to take more than a cheese and chicken toastie and a couple of cocktails to get me on my back", he went radio silent. As it turns out, it takes a toastie and cocktails to get me somewhere else.

As this blog highlights, I've got many flaws, and I'm quite literally a hobbit, but I deserve more than to be ghosted when I make it clear I'm not banging on the first date. I'm fully aware that dating can be full of disappointments, however, all it takes is to meet one more person and go on one more date for it all to be worthwhile.

"It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to." — J. R. R. Tolkien

Here's to being swept off to less "shitty" places.

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Right, that story should put the nail in the coffin on my romantic life. Whatever should I write about now?

City Boy visits The Shire pt 1

"What people don't realise is that the McCanns were part of a paedophile ring" 

- My Date, April 2019. 

Top Tip: Avoid discussions around controversial documentaries such as "The Disappearance of Madeline McCann" and "Finding Neverland." Forget "Netflix and Chill", it got a bit "Netflix and Hot" (debate).

City Boy visits The Shire

My date is a City Boy with all the swag but seemingly no penchant for cocaine and partying until the wee hours. He spoke with confidence but without a trace of cockiness. He had a smile that took over his face (in a good way, not a creepy Cheshire cat way). He spoke of his experiences and travel with modesty. He lit up when we began to discuss cars. He came across in no other way than a hard-working and well brought up young man. (I'm fully aware that I sound like his mother.)

As lovely as all the that sounds, it took a lot for me to ignore my pessimistic voice and go on this date, there were a few red flags along the way. For example, when arranging the logistics, City Boy pondered if he should drive or not.

"But if I drive I can only have two drinks..."

For those that have seen the mildly annoying movie "Mamma Mia" (my guilty pleasure) then you'll know that the *dot, dot, dot* aka the ellipsis MEANS SOMETHING. In the world of Tinder Tales, and the diary of Donna in Mamma Mia, the ... eludes to sex.

I may have jumped to conclusions, however, a couple friends at the gym agreed that I wasn't mad to be slightly on guard. If you've been reading my Tinder Tales for a while, then you'll know I'm quite seasoned at this game of dating charades, so it's fair to say the (...) was the "Fuck Boy" red flag. Then there was the time he texted me at gone 10pm, I responded to say I was still working but from the comfort of my bed, he asked to see a picture. I sent him a photo of my laptop on my 'bed table' (best thing ever) but apparently, that wasn't the spreadsheet he was expecting to see.

Then in the morning, he sent me a topless selfie and a note to say he was looking forward to the date. I didn't return the 'favour' but I'm not going to lie, a picture of a toned tummy and handsome face wasn't the worst thing to wake up to, especially as it wasn't in real life and therefore make me immediately want to hide my 'mum-tum' in shame & worry about morning breath.

I chose to ignore the red flags and go on the date, I was pleasantly surprised by his aforementioned demeanour/character as we ate our Caribbean food and sipped on (just 2) cocktails.

We had been talking non-stop (he didn't ask me anything at all) but the conversation flowed thanks to my questions and the MJ and McCann discussion. City Boy started to fall into a food coma, so we decided to get some fresh air and meader back to our cars. I realised I'd had a delightful time, admittedly this was off the back of a few terrible experiences, but it was enjoyable none the less.

We walked through the closed highstreet, feeling the April chill in the air. We got to our cars and began to arrange our next date through chattering teeth, then City Boy asked if I would be okay to sit in his car to warm up and talk.

Once inside the car, I could tell he was building up to a kiss.

We locked eyes and he began to lean in closer; our heads were tilting *ding ding* this was 100% first kiss territory. Suddenly I realised something didn't feel right; I started to panic and realised I needed to get out of the situation FAST. I began sweating and was quickly backing away, as he tried to mask his own alarm.

To be continued...

(Spoiler alert, the above ellipsis does not elude to sex)

My date with the Cowboy/Bodyguard/Missing Bros Brother

It's been 18months since my Tinder date with the aggressive soldier who took me to Macdonalds, it's been around 10 months since I dated the alcoholic geriatric who told my family they were 'fuckers', and it's been about 5 months since I experienced unrequited feelings for someone who I thought was a friend and mentor. So, my date this Saturday felt like a big deal, the nerves were triggering panic attacks and even my dad dressing in my mum's fur jacket couldn't help subside the angst for long.

On Thursday I matched with this guy, he was bald (I love a bald man, Phil Mitchell has a certain sex appeal), he was rugged, employed and we got chatting! We quickly exchanged numbers and up popped his first message:

' Howdy Smiler ") '

Not the best opening line but not the worst - I dubbed him the "Cowboy Dater"

We quickly established that the only time we could meet was this Sunday after he had dropped his kids home and before my kids came back, the idea was to squeeze in a quick drink before he went off on a month-long trip to Afghanistan... as a bodyguard...  

On Sunday morning my very own cowboy-come-bodyguard sent me a video note to say he was looking forward to meeting me, cute, right? Upon opening said 21-second video note, I found he had recorded his message from the shower... he was literally showering. Naked. The SHOWER. I was shook.

No fear, there was no indecent exposure, however, it should have been my first sign that the guy literally doesn't stop talking, not even to shower.

When I walked into the bar I was relieved to see he looked like his pictures, he grinned from ear-to-ear when he saw me and I quickly realised why he didn't smile in any of his photos. I haven't exactly got a Hollywood Smile myself, so I tried not to stare at the gap with missing teeth and sat down for our date. 

The Cowboy Dater got straight to it and launched into his biography with energy that can only be matched by 'the' Tasmanian Devil. He began his monologue with this corker, "most of my friends ask me if there is anything I can't do? And I say, well that's pretty negative, why can't we discuss what I CAN do? Oh but I'm not arrogant." - I suddenly realised he was the 3rd member of the Bros Brothers.

So what can he do? He's a professional dancer & stand-up comedian (the kind that pauses a beat too long for a joke to be understood and laughed at.) He's a published author (it has three reviews on Amazon), a screenplay writer (I was afforded a break down of the plot and characters),  he's an actor, singer, inventor and entrepreneur. When he's not protecting businessmen and politicians, he tends to be a bit of a 'fixer' but he's realised the error of his ways and is looking for a woman that dosen't need fixing.... it was at that point he lent in and touched my arm, laughed and said, "could it be you?" Except he didn't touch my arm, he missed...and got my left boob. 

Now, I am well endowed in the chest area, so this has happened before. Usually, I and the accidental groper will pray to our chosen God that it hadn't happened and not draw any attention to a potenial sexual harassment case. But not the Cowboy Dater, he decided to maniacally laugh and proclaim:

"Oh god, did I just touch your boob? *hahaha* I apologise, bit early for that!"

Much to the amusement of the waitress stood by the bar cleaning the cutlery....which I'm sure didn't need polishing as much as she was. So now my date had an audience, to be fair he was putting on quite the performance.

To his credit The Cowboy Dater did ask about me, I managed to say that I liked writing and rugby before I was stopped with an anecdote about Scottish rugby supporters, which was followed with a story about the time a woman bought him a drink in a bar and he didn't return the favour.

At this point I'm elated that I set an hour limit to the date, I look at my phone and let him know that the children were 10mins away and I had to go. As we put on our jackets he began to tell me how much he loves clothes but thanks to his job and being away he doesn't get to wear them. As I walked out the door he hadn't finished his story, so he beckoned me back into the foyer of the bar, so he could conclude with:

"and that's when I danced the soles off from my brother's timberland boots, I danced the sole off the shoes to the SOUL of the music... *manic laughter* so anyway, would you like to see me again?"

I don't know why I said yes but I grew up with MSN and MySpace, we didn't have awkward conversations face to face... I wasn't prepared, I was put on the spot and quite frankly I was shocked that I was being given the opportunity to speak!

After I replied with a 'Yes' he went in for a kiss, I swerved my head to the left so quickly that I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from whiplash - his wet kiss made contact with my cheek as he rubbed my arms, drew back and met my eyes. Before I could make it back to the safety of my parent's house (about 20 meters away) I had received two voice notes, one of him pretending to tell his mum he'd just met a crazy lady...and the second laughing at his 'joke' and thanking me for the date.

The texts and voice notes kept coming until I grew a backbone and told him I didn't think there was the chemistry. I've since found him online using a different name, however, his online CV does, in fact, say he's a bodyguard, although perhaps less Kevin Costner and more Mr Bean.

So, there was no 'YEEHAW' with The Cowboy Dater but I'm firmly back in the dating saddle....wish me luck!

A message from all the Single Ladies

I've been single for almost four years (with some 'almost relationships' in that time), I'm quite used to being on my own. However, when I woke up on the 1st January 2019, I started to feel more alone than I've ever done before; and that was before seeing any engagement announcements and loved-up couples on social media.

I decided to download Tinder (again!) I matched with a nice guy, and by 6 pm I had my first date of 2019 in the diary for the following Saturday! Good work, Charlie Girl. We texted until late New Year's day; I was smiling at my phone, waiting for the 'ping' of a new message with excited and nervous anticipation.

Date night arrived, I received no communication from him but the day before he had said he was looking forward to it. At around 4 pm I posted on my Instagram stories that I was nervous about my first date. By 5:30 pm I posted that he had cancelled. I'm ashamed to say I balled my eyes out (see picture), not because a stranger cancelled a date but because I am just so sick of being let down and could feel the dark side of loneliness creeping in.

I received some lovely messages from friends commiserating my unfortunate luck. However, some were a little off the mark (despite the good intentions) it got me thinking about all the other comments I've had on my relationship status from friends and total strangers. Here's a list of some of the things you SHOULD NOT say to your single friends.

1) "Stop Looking. It happens when you stop searching for love."

- Right, so all the happy couples that met on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, PoF, Christians Mingle, Blind Date, First Dates, Speed Dating or fucking Love Island weren't looking for love? As a single mum, who works from home, with friends who are all married/engaged, how exactly will I ever meet someone when I'm being told not to look? Plus, I have tried not looking and guess what? Didn't.Work.

2) "There's plenty more fish in the sea."

- Firstly, shut the fuck up. At almost 30 years old, the best fish have hooked up. The only ones left are the slippery mother fuckers that will give me ciguatera poisoning. Plus, the sea is a big place, if I'm abiding by point 1, then I have to make do with the fish surrounding my boat tied up in the dock. Idiots.

3) "It's okay to be on your own."

- Yes, I'm fully aware it's okay to be on my own. In fact, in the four years I've been on my own, the world hasn't imploded, I have achieved a degree, travelled to amazing places, given a lecture at a university, started a business, raised two incredible children, lost 20lbs, partied hard and laughed far more than I've cried. I am FULLY aware that being on my own is okay, I have done great things on my own. Perhaps, and more so in the quieter moments, I'd like to share all of that with someone. I can achieve great things on my own WITH someone by my side.

4) "You got to love yourself before you can love someone else."

- Okay, I agree with this one. However, when people say this to me, it makes me so angry! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I DON'T LOVE MYSELF???  Alright, I'll concede that four years ago I did the heartbreak diet (*he'll love me when I'm thin*), I drank and didn't eat - that wasn't a great act of self-love. I used to think that I would be happy when someone loved me but years of growth has seen me through this absurd thought. The point is, a person doesn't get to say that to any single girl on the assumption she can't love herself if she chooses to want a partner.

5) "But you're so pretty and funny, and a great mum! I don't understand why you're still single."

- Thanks, Sandra. Now I'm sat here thinking if it's my chins, height or shitty personality that's setting a force field around me stopping any potential suitors.

6) "Maybe you're too fussy?"

- One of my single gal pal's responded to this fabulously, "there is no such thing as being too damn fussy." One of my problems is that I'm not fussy enough! My 3-month blip dating a 48-year-old alcoholic is a testament to that (that's another blog coming soon.) Being fussy ties in with point 4, I love myself enough not to settle out of fear of being on my own. That doesn't mean I'm only swiping right for Jack Wills models and gym posers, I quite like a chunky yet funky, dad-bod rocking gentleman. Not settling means I'm not going to lower my standards and date a Nazi (see blog) so that I can have someone to kiss on New Year's Eve. Be fussy, not judgemental.

7) "You're doing brilliantly. You've got a great career, focus on that."

- Great advice, Aunt June. Can't have sex with my career though, can I?


Right, that's probably enough tips for all you loved-up bunnies to take on board for now. Next time you're hanging with your single mate and don't know what to say, offer her some fully charged batteries and a bottle of wine. I'm kidding, kind of,  just keep being her awesome friends, you're doing a great job.

And to all my single girls, for once I've got nothing inspirational to say...just keep swimming because apparently there's a shit ton of fish somewhere.

Waiting for Mr. Right, not settling for Mr. Right Now

I've been single for three years, during that time I've gone through the following stages:

1) Utter loneliness and mourning my previous life of being in a relationship

2) Filling the void by going on dates with people I knew wouldn't be right for me or after 'one thing'

3) Punishing myself for 'not being right' aka the 'heartbreak diet' 

4) Embracing single life, believing that it was all about the freedom to party without guilt

5) Enjoying the quiet time on my own and reconnecting with friends

6) Refocusing attention from finding another half to making myself whole

7) Re-prioritising and realising I hold the keys to my future

8) Choosing to delete dating apps and be on my own; prioritising self-love 

9) Embracing my strength, achievements and abilities - realising I AM good enough

Leaving a list on an uneven number is giving me an unsettling feeling...but here's how I got round to stage 10.

So, I had deleted all the dating apps from my phone and I wasn't missing them one bit; I had so much more time and my finger didn't have a weird twitch from over-swiping (IT'S A THING!) I had gone through a lot of self-reflection, I knew I was happy being single and not chasing a relationship, but it wasn't healthy for me to have too much time alone. 

My solution? A weekend pub job! I got to work with some lovely friends, meet some eccentric locals and earn some pocket money. I felt like a young, busty, Peggy Mitchell. I even got close to saying 'Get outta my puuuub', except it was the timid version of 'umm, I'm closing now, you've got to go home.' 

One day a rather handsome chap walked into the pub and we struck up a friendly barmaid/punter conversation. When I'd finished my shift, he bought me a drink and invited me to join him, an hour later we'd moved to another pub and were getting on famously. He was newly single, I was newly ready-to-not be single. 

My 'pub punter' was 19 years my senior and going through a tough break-up, despite having more baggage than Heathrow's lost baggage department, I quickly fell for him and we exclusively dated. Despite his drunken fall-out with two of my closest friends, I stuck by him. I was enjoying being treated well, I was enjoying having someone to fall asleep with in front of the TV.  I was enjoying the conversation and support, generally embracing having someone close in my life again. Then, on a separate occasion to his previous misdemeanor, he drunkenly hurled insults at my family - again, I stood by him. 

One evening, three months into dating my pub punter, I was spending time with a friend. My 'pub punter' called me 17 times and told me I could spend time with my friends, but he hated them and my family. Suddenly I woke up! WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING? 

It's nice having someone to kiss and cuddle; it's nice to have someone to go to dinner with or stay in with; it's nice to have 'a somebody' but to what detriment? I've been loving myself and building myself up for the best part of three years, I don't need to be dragged down for the sake of having company of an evening. 

So here I am at Stage 10 -  Growing in patience to wait for "Mr. Right" and not settle for "Mr. Right Now."

One last note, Mr. Right isn't to be confused with Mr. Perfect, Mr Perfect doesn't exist. 

Seriously, even the men from Disney are far from perfect:

1) Prince Charming wasn't bothered about Snow White looking after seven men with exaggerated characteristics in exchange for pretty rubbish bodyguard services. 

2) Aladdin started his relationship with Jasmine on a bed (or magic carpet) of lies; he literally cat fished her.  

3) Simba ghosted Nala; seeing as all the animals could communicate he could've sent a carrier pigeon/parrot to let her know he had 'family issues' and was going to be away for a while.

4) Eric doesn't recognise Ariel from the time she saved his life and decides to swerve her for the busty brunette without a speech impediment. Bloody Typical. 

5) Prince Henry got a bunch of women in a room to battle for his attention, then he based true love off a snog and what can only be described as a foot fetish. 

6) The Beast kidnapped Belle's father, then swapped him for her imprisonment... the choices he made in the past haunt him and he takes it out on those around him. He is definitely hangry and sexually frustrated, but to be fair, he does work through his issues in the end with the love of a good woman. 

Anyway, the POINT is, I'm not settling for Mr. Right Now and I'm under no illusion that a Mr. Perfect exists. I am happy to wait for Mr. Right For Me.... Maybe there's a Beast out there that needs a little taming? Just with slightly less hair and none of the anger issues.... 

Dating in MacDonalds - Just looking for a Happy Meal

This is a really hard "Tinder Tale Fail" to write for a number of reasons, the main ones being - A)  It was the first date I genuinely felt scared and intimidated and B) My date serves in the British Army and is more than likely to be suffering from PTSD. Having said that, a lot of his views/actions are his own and can not be blamed on serving in the Army.

With that in mind, please understand that this is just my story of quite a challenging date and that I am being sensitive to what he has gone through as a British Solider.

So, I matched with my date and quickly arranged to meet up, he knew Winchester and said he'd be more than happy to travel to me. I met him at the carpark and walked with him to the main high street... his height and ' aggressive strut' immediately put me on a wary defence.

We were walking and talking, trying to break that initial awkwardness of meeting a stranger when a police car started to (very) slowly drive past us. The police car eventually went on ahead and my date immediately piped up "That happens to me all the time, I think my number plate is tracked or is on some sort of system... I always end up getting followed by the police." Of course this set of internal alarm bells! "Don't worry", he continued, "nothing ever happens...I bought my car from somewhere in London so the previous owner must have been involved in something untoward!"

This actually put my mind to rest, it could have been a genuine explanation... until we got to the second part of the town centre and the police slowly passed us again. I put this down to coincidence.

We walked around for quite some time as every bar/pub we passed he turned down because either 20 something's were in there or it looked like it had a 'student vibe'... "I fucking hate students, they're stuck up because they think they're studying towards a better future... they're just lazy, alcoholics, sucking money from our government." At this point, I reminded him that we were in a student city and that I had not long graduated myself and I was nothing like the students he had described!

We continued through the City and he seemed to be walking towards a specific place, it turned out we were going towards his original regiments museum. My date then went on to talk me through each symbol on the wall outside the closed museum, each war his regiment had fought before him and a bit of the politics behind it. I have always hated history because I'm shite at retaining information, however, listening to his passion and knowledge was fascinating! I became genuinely interested and started to enjoy myself...despite being slightly away from a public area and in the dark!

The evening was looking up and his history lesson was winding to a close until he saw a couple walking through the grounds, they looked youngish and were holding a cigarette each. My date then decided to start marching over in a bid to confront them, mumbling "if they even think about doing drugs or fucking, then I'll fucking kill them" .... he was literally seething having just seen two silhouettes moving through the grounds. I became genuinely scared for the safety of two strangers, I began to calmly talk him down. I reasoned with my date that he couldn't do our country any good from behind bars and that he could be quite possibly jumping to conclusions. Suggesting he could be overreacting was the WRONG MOVE, he glared down at me, fists clenched...I quickly changed tactic... "I'm so cold, could you take me for a drink now? We could always come back and check in on them afterwards?"

Thankfully my date started to thaw and walked me to the pub opposite where we were. All I wanted was a (very) large glass of wine but felt I should keep a clear head, so I ordered a lemonade, to which my date was both shocked and impressed by. We took our soft drinks to a nearby table and I vowed to wipe the slate clean and get to know him away from what he was clearly passionate about, yet emotionally triggered by.

Over the course of one drink, my date claimed to hate every kind of religion that wasn't Christian, was exceptionally racist about every race, other than White British (shock).  And when I mentioned my best friend was a gay man, he physically recoiled and wondered why I "spent time with faggots". At this point, I should have gotten up and left (actually,  I should've left at some time before that) but in all honesty, I was too scared.

My date then started to claim he was hungry, so I made it my own mission to make it back through town, get him food to hopefully calm him down and then get the fuck home! Unfortunately, it was around 10pm at night and we weren't in a Big City that serves food till 3am, so my options for feeding my angry date were limited. We passed a pizza place that said they stopped food at 10:30pm, hopeful, I popped in to ask if their kitchen had closed. A lovely waitress came to greet us, she happened to not be white and all I could hear from my date stood behind me was "oh god, here we go", I cringed and immediately wanted to cry. A second waiter came round the corner to see if we had been looked after, he was black, my date stormed out the building.

As we walked down the high-street a bunch of drunk women were walking up the high-street...my date punched his clenched fist into his open palm and claimed "ahhh fucking students, typically drunk, just start on me! Go on start on me... I'm itching for a fight" - I actually recognised two of the women and they weren't students but that's beside the point.

I suddenly remembered MacDonalds was open and suggested that to my date in order to distract him from wanting a fight; it did the trick. We walked into Maccy D's and my date ordered his food..."joking" that it came to the same price as our drinks and inferred it was my turn to pay (I wasn't eating). As we waited for his food he looked into my eyes, "you know you've got a yellow mark on your eyes, you should have that looked at..." - what more could I expect from a bloke taking me to MacDonalds and not even offering to buy me a fucking nugget.

We sat down with his food and I waited for him to finish... a young lad, obviously, a little high came and sat opposite us to charge his phone. My date saw the bait and started to talk to him "you okay? You feeling a little queer? You're a gay boy, aren't you?" 

I won't go into that exchange any further as it wasn't nice and by now I'm sure you've grasped how uncomfortable my evening was. Once he'd wiped the mayo away from the sides of his mouth he asked if he could walk me back to my car, not before asking if I had smoked because my teeth looked stained (I shit you not). I politely declined, reasoning that I didn't want him getting lost getting back to his own car.

All in all that was the most shocking date I've ever experienced. I was genuinely scared and intimidated; I used every ounce in my body to stay brave and strong. To anyone currently dating online (or otherwise), it may seem dull and impersonal chatting to people online for a little longer but if I had been patient and chatted online with this person, then I may have avoided this date. I count myself lucky that I didn't end up in a far worse place than MacDonalds.

Be careful, friends, loving yourself is far easier than looking for love in the wrong places - I'll find a Happy Meal eventually!

Car Wash Dating

I've not posted in a long, long time but seeing as it's my 3rd-year anniversary of being single I thought it would be an appropriate time to post my latest tinder tale fail.

So, I decided to delete all of my dating apps. I went as far as unmatching with my American Hunk. My thought process was this; if I'm meant to meet someone then I'll meet him, I'll meet him the 'normal way.'

The same morning as I deleted my apps and vowed to be 'open' to meeting a man beyond the virtual way, I was asked out!

Was I asked out in a bar? No. Was I asked out through friends? No. Was I asked out in a coffee shop? No. I was asked out in a car wash. 

Earlier that day I had dropped my car off at a shopping centre car wash because A) my shit heap of a mom wagon needed cleaning and B) I was too lazy to find a car parking space. Fast forward a few hours, I came back to collect my car and a European accent piped up above the vacuum cleaner, "You nice, you go out for drink, yes? We have your number, text you, no?" 

Well, I thought, the first point of failure is judgement...so before I could stop myself I replied: " yeah, sure, why not?"

I got a text later that day from 'the car wash guy' asking me out for a drink.. my new attitude to dating meant I couldn't say no. We arranged to meet up for a drink later that night.

I walked into the bar feeling flustered, I had just showered, applied make-up and dropped the kids off with my parents in the space of 30 mins (guys that claim girls can't get ready quickly have never met a single mum!). Anyway, I entered the bar and looked around for the young, car washing guy I had seen earlier that day...all I saw was his slightly tipsy boss.

This is where accents are a nightmare! When I heard the words "You nice, I take you out for drink, no?" what he said was "you nice, HE take you out for drink, no?"

So, I'm out on a date with a person I didn't think I'd be dating... but I'm going with it. Although I'm dating someone I wasn't expecting, it was going ok!  Until I realised the reason he won't stop staring at my chest is not that I have an ample bosom but because my new top from ASOS has fallen open and I'm literally exposing myself!

I gather myself and my tits back together and try to continue the date with a level of decorum, by which point my date is pissed. He keeps looking at me as if I'm meat and says "you're such a naughty girl, you make my mind blow." Despite the fact he lives a 30 min car drive away he's decided to get drunk..... he then assumes I'm staying in a hotel room with him because "I'm a naughty girl"

At this point, it's around 8pm and I know my parents are in town with my children, so I go in for the SOS call. There's nothing more savage than a shitty date then your kids picking you from one!! As I tried to leave the date my Albanian car wash man took me by the waist and before I could note what was happening, he planted the wettest kiss on my face. Note, not lips, FACE, As I pulled myself away and politely excused myself from the pub ( I literally backed out as if I'd just been knighted by the Queen) I realised my life was at a new low... my 11 year old and 9 year old kids were picking me up from a Tinder Fail. F.M.L.

If you ever thought your dating life was shit....just imagine that car journey home!

SO, What have I learnt? Don't assume the grass is greener outside an app! Don't assume 'real world' dating is easier than virtual. Don't buy a 'flattering' top from ASOS, you will give your date the impression you're a prostitute. Car wash guys only want to wipe one thing!!

It looks as though I'm back with the Tinder Tales - God help us all!