My date with the Cowboy/Bodyguard/Missing Bros Brother

It's been 18months since my Tinder date with the aggressive soldier who took me to Macdonalds, it's been around 10 months since I dated the alcoholic geriatric who told my family they were 'fuckers', and it's been about 5 months since I experienced unrequited feelings for someone who I thought was a friend and mentor. So, my date this Saturday felt like a big deal, the nerves were triggering panic attacks and even my dad dressing in my mum's fur jacket couldn't help subside the angst for long.

On Thursday I matched with this guy, he was bald (I love a bald man, Phil Mitchell has a certain sex appeal), he was rugged, employed and we got chatting! We quickly exchanged numbers and up popped his first message:

' Howdy Smiler ") '

Not the best opening line but not the worst - I dubbed him the "Cowboy Dater"

We quickly established that the only time we could meet was this Sunday after he had dropped his kids home and before my kids came back, the idea was to squeeze in a quick drink before he went off on a month-long trip to Afghanistan... as a bodyguard...  

On Sunday morning my very own cowboy-come-bodyguard sent me a video note to say he was looking forward to meeting me, cute, right? Upon opening said 21-second video note, I found he had recorded his message from the shower... he was literally showering. Naked. The SHOWER. I was shook.

No fear, there was no indecent exposure, however, it should have been my first sign that the guy literally doesn't stop talking, not even to shower.

When I walked into the bar I was relieved to see he looked like his pictures, he grinned from ear-to-ear when he saw me and I quickly realised why he didn't smile in any of his photos. I haven't exactly got a Hollywood Smile myself, so I tried not to stare at the gap with missing teeth and sat down for our date. 

The Cowboy Dater got straight to it and launched into his biography with energy that can only be matched by 'the' Tasmanian Devil. He began his monologue with this corker, "most of my friends ask me if there is anything I can't do? And I say, well that's pretty negative, why can't we discuss what I CAN do? Oh but I'm not arrogant." - I suddenly realised he was the 3rd member of the Bros Brothers.

So what can he do? He's a professional dancer & stand-up comedian (the kind that pauses a beat too long for a joke to be understood and laughed at.) He's a published author (it has three reviews on Amazon), a screenplay writer (I was afforded a break down of the plot and characters),  he's an actor, singer, inventor and entrepreneur. When he's not protecting businessmen and politicians, he tends to be a bit of a 'fixer' but he's realised the error of his ways and is looking for a woman that dosen't need fixing.... it was at that point he lent in and touched my arm, laughed and said, "could it be you?" Except he didn't touch my arm, he missed...and got my left boob. 

Now, I am well endowed in the chest area, so this has happened before. Usually, I and the accidental groper will pray to our chosen God that it hadn't happened and not draw any attention to a potenial sexual harassment case. But not the Cowboy Dater, he decided to maniacally laugh and proclaim:

"Oh god, did I just touch your boob? *hahaha* I apologise, bit early for that!"

Much to the amusement of the waitress stood by the bar cleaning the cutlery....which I'm sure didn't need polishing as much as she was. So now my date had an audience, to be fair he was putting on quite the performance.

To his credit The Cowboy Dater did ask about me, I managed to say that I liked writing and rugby before I was stopped with an anecdote about Scottish rugby supporters, which was followed with a story about the time a woman bought him a drink in a bar and he didn't return the favour.

At this point I'm elated that I set an hour limit to the date, I look at my phone and let him know that the children were 10mins away and I had to go. As we put on our jackets he began to tell me how much he loves clothes but thanks to his job and being away he doesn't get to wear them. As I walked out the door he hadn't finished his story, so he beckoned me back into the foyer of the bar, so he could conclude with:

"and that's when I danced the soles off from my brother's timberland boots, I danced the sole off the shoes to the SOUL of the music... *manic laughter* so anyway, would you like to see me again?"

I don't know why I said yes but I grew up with MSN and MySpace, we didn't have awkward conversations face to face... I wasn't prepared, I was put on the spot and quite frankly I was shocked that I was being given the opportunity to speak!

After I replied with a 'Yes' he went in for a kiss, I swerved my head to the left so quickly that I'm pretty sure I'm suffering from whiplash - his wet kiss made contact with my cheek as he rubbed my arms, drew back and met my eyes. Before I could make it back to the safety of my parent's house (about 20 meters away) I had received two voice notes, one of him pretending to tell his mum he'd just met a crazy lady...and the second laughing at his 'joke' and thanking me for the date.

The texts and voice notes kept coming until I grew a backbone and told him I didn't think there was the chemistry. I've since found him online using a different name, however, his online CV does, in fact, say he's a bodyguard, although perhaps less Kevin Costner and more Mr Bean.

So, there was no 'YEEHAW' with The Cowboy Dater but I'm firmly back in the dating saddle....wish me luck!