So, I decided to delete all of my dating apps. I went as far as unmatching with my American Hunk. My thought process was this; if I'm meant to meet someone then I'll meet him, I'll meet him the 'normal way.'
The same morning as I deleted my apps and vowed to be 'open' to meeting a man beyond the virtual way, I was asked out!
Was I asked out in a bar? No. Was I asked out through friends? No. Was I asked out in a coffee shop? No. I was asked out in a car wash.
Earlier that day I had dropped my car off at a shopping centre car wash because A) my shit heap of a mom wagon needed cleaning and B) I was too lazy to find a car parking space. Fast forward a few hours, I came back to collect my car and a European accent piped up above the vacuum cleaner, "You nice, you go out for drink, yes? We have your number, text you, no?"
Well, I thought, the first point of failure is judgement...so before I could stop myself I replied: " yeah, sure, why not?"
I got a text later that day from 'the car wash guy' asking me out for a drink.. my new attitude to dating meant I couldn't say no. We arranged to meet up for a drink later that night.
I walked into the bar feeling flustered, I had just showered, applied make-up and dropped the kids off with my parents in the space of 30 mins (guys that claim girls can't get ready quickly have never met a single mum!). Anyway, I entered the bar and looked around for the young, car washing guy I had seen earlier that day...all I saw was his slightly tipsy boss.
This is where accents are a nightmare! When I heard the words "You nice, I take you out for drink, no?" what he said was "you nice, HE take you out for drink, no?"
So, I'm out on a date with a person I didn't think I'd be dating... but I'm going with it. Although I'm dating someone I wasn't expecting, it was going ok! Until I realised the reason he won't stop staring at my chest is not that I have an ample bosom but because my new top from ASOS has fallen open and I'm literally exposing myself!
I gather myself and my tits back together and try to continue the date with a level of decorum, by which point my date is pissed. He keeps looking at me as if I'm meat and says "you're such a naughty girl, you make my mind blow." Despite the fact he lives a 30 min car drive away he's decided to get drunk..... he then assumes I'm staying in a hotel room with him because "I'm a naughty girl"
At this point, it's around 8pm and I know my parents are in town with my children, so I go in for the SOS call. There's nothing more savage than a shitty date then your kids picking you from one!! As I tried to leave the date my Albanian car wash man took me by the waist and before I could note what was happening, he planted the wettest kiss on my face. Note, not lips, FACE, As I pulled myself away and politely excused myself from the pub ( I literally backed out as if I'd just been knighted by the Queen) I realised my life was at a new low... my 11 year old and 9 year old kids were picking me up from a Tinder Fail. F.M.L.
If you ever thought your dating life was shit....just imagine that car journey home!
SO, What have I learnt? Don't assume the grass is greener outside an app! Don't assume 'real world' dating is easier than virtual. Don't buy a 'flattering' top from ASOS, you will give your date the impression you're a prostitute. Car wash guys only want to wipe one thing!!
It looks as though I'm back with the Tinder Tales - God help us all!
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