Waiting for Mr. Right, not settling for Mr. Right Now

I've been single for three years, during that time I've gone through the following stages:

1) Utter loneliness and mourning my previous life of being in a relationship

2) Filling the void by going on dates with people I knew wouldn't be right for me or after 'one thing'

3) Punishing myself for 'not being right' aka the 'heartbreak diet' 

4) Embracing single life, believing that it was all about the freedom to party without guilt

5) Enjoying the quiet time on my own and reconnecting with friends

6) Refocusing attention from finding another half to making myself whole

7) Re-prioritising and realising I hold the keys to my future

8) Choosing to delete dating apps and be on my own; prioritising self-love 

9) Embracing my strength, achievements and abilities - realising I AM good enough

Leaving a list on an uneven number is giving me an unsettling feeling...but here's how I got round to stage 10.

So, I had deleted all the dating apps from my phone and I wasn't missing them one bit; I had so much more time and my finger didn't have a weird twitch from over-swiping (IT'S A THING!) I had gone through a lot of self-reflection, I knew I was happy being single and not chasing a relationship, but it wasn't healthy for me to have too much time alone. 

My solution? A weekend pub job! I got to work with some lovely friends, meet some eccentric locals and earn some pocket money. I felt like a young, busty, Peggy Mitchell. I even got close to saying 'Get outta my puuuub', except it was the timid version of 'umm, I'm closing now, you've got to go home.' 

One day a rather handsome chap walked into the pub and we struck up a friendly barmaid/punter conversation. When I'd finished my shift, he bought me a drink and invited me to join him, an hour later we'd moved to another pub and were getting on famously. He was newly single, I was newly ready-to-not be single. 

My 'pub punter' was 19 years my senior and going through a tough break-up, despite having more baggage than Heathrow's lost baggage department, I quickly fell for him and we exclusively dated. Despite his drunken fall-out with two of my closest friends, I stuck by him. I was enjoying being treated well, I was enjoying having someone to fall asleep with in front of the TV.  I was enjoying the conversation and support, generally embracing having someone close in my life again. Then, on a separate occasion to his previous misdemeanor, he drunkenly hurled insults at my family - again, I stood by him. 

One evening, three months into dating my pub punter, I was spending time with a friend. My 'pub punter' called me 17 times and told me I could spend time with my friends, but he hated them and my family. Suddenly I woke up! WHAT THE FUCK WAS I DOING? 

It's nice having someone to kiss and cuddle; it's nice to have someone to go to dinner with or stay in with; it's nice to have 'a somebody' but to what detriment? I've been loving myself and building myself up for the best part of three years, I don't need to be dragged down for the sake of having company of an evening. 

So here I am at Stage 10 -  Growing in patience to wait for "Mr. Right" and not settle for "Mr. Right Now."

One last note, Mr. Right isn't to be confused with Mr. Perfect, Mr Perfect doesn't exist. 

Seriously, even the men from Disney are far from perfect:

1) Prince Charming wasn't bothered about Snow White looking after seven men with exaggerated characteristics in exchange for pretty rubbish bodyguard services. 

2) Aladdin started his relationship with Jasmine on a bed (or magic carpet) of lies; he literally cat fished her.  

3) Simba ghosted Nala; seeing as all the animals could communicate he could've sent a carrier pigeon/parrot to let her know he had 'family issues' and was going to be away for a while.

4) Eric doesn't recognise Ariel from the time she saved his life and decides to swerve her for the busty brunette without a speech impediment. Bloody Typical. 

5) Prince Henry got a bunch of women in a room to battle for his attention, then he based true love off a snog and what can only be described as a foot fetish. 

6) The Beast kidnapped Belle's father, then swapped him for her imprisonment... the choices he made in the past haunt him and he takes it out on those around him. He is definitely hangry and sexually frustrated, but to be fair, he does work through his issues in the end with the love of a good woman. 

Anyway, the POINT is, I'm not settling for Mr. Right Now and I'm under no illusion that a Mr. Perfect exists. I am happy to wait for Mr. Right For Me.... Maybe there's a Beast out there that needs a little taming? Just with slightly less hair and none of the anger issues.... 

Dating in MacDonalds - Just looking for a Happy Meal

This is a really hard "Tinder Tale Fail" to write for a number of reasons, the main ones being - A)  It was the first date I genuinely felt scared and intimidated and B) My date serves in the British Army and is more than likely to be suffering from PTSD. Having said that, a lot of his views/actions are his own and can not be blamed on serving in the Army.

With that in mind, please understand that this is just my story of quite a challenging date and that I am being sensitive to what he has gone through as a British Solider.

So, I matched with my date and quickly arranged to meet up, he knew Winchester and said he'd be more than happy to travel to me. I met him at the carpark and walked with him to the main high street... his height and ' aggressive strut' immediately put me on a wary defence.

We were walking and talking, trying to break that initial awkwardness of meeting a stranger when a police car started to (very) slowly drive past us. The police car eventually went on ahead and my date immediately piped up "That happens to me all the time, I think my number plate is tracked or is on some sort of system... I always end up getting followed by the police." Of course this set of internal alarm bells! "Don't worry", he continued, "nothing ever happens...I bought my car from somewhere in London so the previous owner must have been involved in something untoward!"

This actually put my mind to rest, it could have been a genuine explanation... until we got to the second part of the town centre and the police slowly passed us again. I put this down to coincidence.

We walked around for quite some time as every bar/pub we passed he turned down because either 20 something's were in there or it looked like it had a 'student vibe'... "I fucking hate students, they're stuck up because they think they're studying towards a better future... they're just lazy, alcoholics, sucking money from our government." At this point, I reminded him that we were in a student city and that I had not long graduated myself and I was nothing like the students he had described!

We continued through the City and he seemed to be walking towards a specific place, it turned out we were going towards his original regiments museum. My date then went on to talk me through each symbol on the wall outside the closed museum, each war his regiment had fought before him and a bit of the politics behind it. I have always hated history because I'm shite at retaining information, however, listening to his passion and knowledge was fascinating! I became genuinely interested and started to enjoy myself...despite being slightly away from a public area and in the dark!

The evening was looking up and his history lesson was winding to a close until he saw a couple walking through the grounds, they looked youngish and were holding a cigarette each. My date then decided to start marching over in a bid to confront them, mumbling "if they even think about doing drugs or fucking, then I'll fucking kill them" .... he was literally seething having just seen two silhouettes moving through the grounds. I became genuinely scared for the safety of two strangers, I began to calmly talk him down. I reasoned with my date that he couldn't do our country any good from behind bars and that he could be quite possibly jumping to conclusions. Suggesting he could be overreacting was the WRONG MOVE, he glared down at me, fists clenched...I quickly changed tactic... "I'm so cold, could you take me for a drink now? We could always come back and check in on them afterwards?"

Thankfully my date started to thaw and walked me to the pub opposite where we were. All I wanted was a (very) large glass of wine but felt I should keep a clear head, so I ordered a lemonade, to which my date was both shocked and impressed by. We took our soft drinks to a nearby table and I vowed to wipe the slate clean and get to know him away from what he was clearly passionate about, yet emotionally triggered by.

Over the course of one drink, my date claimed to hate every kind of religion that wasn't Christian, was exceptionally racist about every race, other than White British (shock).  And when I mentioned my best friend was a gay man, he physically recoiled and wondered why I "spent time with faggots". At this point, I should have gotten up and left (actually,  I should've left at some time before that) but in all honesty, I was too scared.

My date then started to claim he was hungry, so I made it my own mission to make it back through town, get him food to hopefully calm him down and then get the fuck home! Unfortunately, it was around 10pm at night and we weren't in a Big City that serves food till 3am, so my options for feeding my angry date were limited. We passed a pizza place that said they stopped food at 10:30pm, hopeful, I popped in to ask if their kitchen had closed. A lovely waitress came to greet us, she happened to not be white and all I could hear from my date stood behind me was "oh god, here we go", I cringed and immediately wanted to cry. A second waiter came round the corner to see if we had been looked after, he was black, my date stormed out the building.

As we walked down the high-street a bunch of drunk women were walking up the high-street...my date punched his clenched fist into his open palm and claimed "ahhh fucking students, typically drunk, just start on me! Go on start on me... I'm itching for a fight" - I actually recognised two of the women and they weren't students but that's beside the point.

I suddenly remembered MacDonalds was open and suggested that to my date in order to distract him from wanting a fight; it did the trick. We walked into Maccy D's and my date ordered his food..."joking" that it came to the same price as our drinks and inferred it was my turn to pay (I wasn't eating). As we waited for his food he looked into my eyes, "you know you've got a yellow mark on your eyes, you should have that looked at..." - what more could I expect from a bloke taking me to MacDonalds and not even offering to buy me a fucking nugget.

We sat down with his food and I waited for him to finish... a young lad, obviously, a little high came and sat opposite us to charge his phone. My date saw the bait and started to talk to him "you okay? You feeling a little queer? You're a gay boy, aren't you?" 

I won't go into that exchange any further as it wasn't nice and by now I'm sure you've grasped how uncomfortable my evening was. Once he'd wiped the mayo away from the sides of his mouth he asked if he could walk me back to my car, not before asking if I had smoked because my teeth looked stained (I shit you not). I politely declined, reasoning that I didn't want him getting lost getting back to his own car.

All in all that was the most shocking date I've ever experienced. I was genuinely scared and intimidated; I used every ounce in my body to stay brave and strong. To anyone currently dating online (or otherwise), it may seem dull and impersonal chatting to people online for a little longer but if I had been patient and chatted online with this person, then I may have avoided this date. I count myself lucky that I didn't end up in a far worse place than MacDonalds.

Be careful, friends, loving yourself is far easier than looking for love in the wrong places - I'll find a Happy Meal eventually!

Car Wash Dating

I've not posted in a long, long time but seeing as it's my 3rd-year anniversary of being single I thought it would be an appropriate time to post my latest tinder tale fail.

So, I decided to delete all of my dating apps. I went as far as unmatching with my American Hunk. My thought process was this; if I'm meant to meet someone then I'll meet him, I'll meet him the 'normal way.'

The same morning as I deleted my apps and vowed to be 'open' to meeting a man beyond the virtual way, I was asked out!

Was I asked out in a bar? No. Was I asked out through friends? No. Was I asked out in a coffee shop? No. I was asked out in a car wash. 

Earlier that day I had dropped my car off at a shopping centre car wash because A) my shit heap of a mom wagon needed cleaning and B) I was too lazy to find a car parking space. Fast forward a few hours, I came back to collect my car and a European accent piped up above the vacuum cleaner, "You nice, you go out for drink, yes? We have your number, text you, no?" 

Well, I thought, the first point of failure is judgement...so before I could stop myself I replied: " yeah, sure, why not?"

I got a text later that day from 'the car wash guy' asking me out for a drink.. my new attitude to dating meant I couldn't say no. We arranged to meet up for a drink later that night.

I walked into the bar feeling flustered, I had just showered, applied make-up and dropped the kids off with my parents in the space of 30 mins (guys that claim girls can't get ready quickly have never met a single mum!). Anyway, I entered the bar and looked around for the young, car washing guy I had seen earlier that day...all I saw was his slightly tipsy boss.

This is where accents are a nightmare! When I heard the words "You nice, I take you out for drink, no?" what he said was "you nice, HE take you out for drink, no?"

So, I'm out on a date with a person I didn't think I'd be dating... but I'm going with it. Although I'm dating someone I wasn't expecting, it was going ok!  Until I realised the reason he won't stop staring at my chest is not that I have an ample bosom but because my new top from ASOS has fallen open and I'm literally exposing myself!

I gather myself and my tits back together and try to continue the date with a level of decorum, by which point my date is pissed. He keeps looking at me as if I'm meat and says "you're such a naughty girl, you make my mind blow." Despite the fact he lives a 30 min car drive away he's decided to get drunk..... he then assumes I'm staying in a hotel room with him because "I'm a naughty girl"

At this point, it's around 8pm and I know my parents are in town with my children, so I go in for the SOS call. There's nothing more savage than a shitty date then your kids picking you from one!! As I tried to leave the date my Albanian car wash man took me by the waist and before I could note what was happening, he planted the wettest kiss on my face. Note, not lips, FACE, As I pulled myself away and politely excused myself from the pub ( I literally backed out as if I'd just been knighted by the Queen) I realised my life was at a new low... my 11 year old and 9 year old kids were picking me up from a Tinder Fail. F.M.L.

If you ever thought your dating life was shit....just imagine that car journey home!

SO, What have I learnt? Don't assume the grass is greener outside an app! Don't assume 'real world' dating is easier than virtual. Don't buy a 'flattering' top from ASOS, you will give your date the impression you're a prostitute. Car wash guys only want to wipe one thing!!

It looks as though I'm back with the Tinder Tales - God help us all! 

Tinder Tales Returns.... 'I yam what I yam'

Recently I decided to delve back into the world of dating, one date in and several horrendous ‘matches’ later, I’m wondering what on earth possessed me. Well, I know what prompted me to give dating another go and the truth is I’m lonely.

I’m working hard at my career, loving time with my children, appreciating time with my family and friends BUT the companionship, closeness and everything else a relationship brings is something I miss. Sometimes the hardest part is being honest as to why we’re putting ourselves through modern day dating. It’s made even harder when those already in relationships assure me that ‘you’re fine on your own’, ‘You can use this time to be selfish and work on yourself’ or ‘He’s right around the corner, stop looking and you’ll find him’ – that last one is my favourite…. Between a full time job and full-time mummy position I only have 4 nights a month to meet someone ‘the normal way’. To be quite frank I don’t fancy hanging out in a bar in case my ‘knight in shining armour’ strolls by, nor am I up for joining a weekend dance group on the off chance a eligible bachelor in his 30's  joins me in a ‘step-ball change’.

I tell a lie, I joined an adult kick-boxing class in a bid to ‘work on myself’ whilst putting myself into a new social setting that could mean an opportunity to meet single men…. turns out my class considers ‘adults’ as 12 years and up; sparring with adolescent boys is not the ideal dating situation.

Anyway, I’ve been looking for silver linings recently and the silver lining to my dating woes is that TINDER TALES IS BACK (for now).  I’ll begin with a couple of my matches….

‘Cross Chris’

This match was quick off the mark with the ‘warning signs’. Cross Chris opened up our chat by telling me his work place had ‘dress down Fridays’ – when a guy starts talking about clothes, or by the nature of this day the potential lack of clothes, my internal warning bells go off sharpish. You may be thinking that I was over-reacting, surely ‘dress-down Fridays’ just means casual wear? And you’re right, thankfully I did not receive any pictures of a naked man, a possible interpretation of  ‘dress down’.

Instead Cross Chris provided me photo evidence of his choose of ‘dress down’ uniform…. He decided to go into work with a skirt on, not a kilt or a ‘just for fun’ tutu, a denim skirt and black stockings (footwear info was not divulged).  My dating alarm bells rung’eth once more BUT I thought to myself ‘don’t judge, he could be a hoot, he could have just lost a bet’.

A couple of days later Cross Chris decides to tell me he once went on a night out dressed as a woman and proceeded to provide me with yet more photo evidence – it is at that point I made a vow to myself that I never thought I’d have to make, ‘I shall never date a man who makes a prettier woman than myself’.

Cross Chris must have taken my radio silence as a sign that his cross-dressing wasn’t something that turned me on, so he sent me as picture of himself in jeans. Upon closer inspection of the photograph I could see through a hole on his jeans and on his feet that he is was in fact still wearing black stockings.

Sorry Cross Dressing Chris – I’ve not got enough stockings for the both of us.

Other Matches include: Dry Demi and Crude Craig. I'll just leave a couple screenshots below and you'll get the idea...

And finally, my first date back on the scene – Popeye Pete.

I’ll keep this one short because the chap was lovely however he ended the date in the most bizarre way. Popeye Pete finished the date in a way some men approach women… he asked me the following, “Can I pick you up?”

Me: ummmm excuse me?

PP: I just want to see if I can pick you up!

Yes, he literally wants to LIFT me up IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

Me: OH.. OH, I’m heavier than I look… and I look pretty heavy. You don’t want to hurt yourself

*Bad move Charlie, that’s a red flag to a man’s ego. ‘He man, He lift woman’*

Don’t ask me why but I relented and allowed this man to lift me up.

PP:  SEE, you’re not heavy at all *said slightly strained and with flushed cheeks.

So the first few matches and first date that have brought me back to Tinder Tales have left me feeling heavy yet deflated but I’m going to keep trying. There will be a perfectly imperfect person out there for me - my very own Popeye who will lift my spirits, lift my laughter, lift my confidence in love but most definitely not lift me up outside an estate agents.... 'I yam what I yam'

Have we got a connection?

Recently I mentioned on Instagram that my love life felt like my wifi connection, "it keeps me guessing as to whether it's going to work or not." The more I thought about this the more I realised how true it was.... getting a wifi/love interest to connect isn't always easy.

For some people they can meet, date, connect and end up with a full on committed broadband plan - like my newly engaged little sister. Others think they've got an awesome deal until the connection keeps dropping, the refresh button no longer works, the service provider doesn't give a fuck and eventually leaves one to seriously consider investing in a dongle - like me.

If you've read my previous posts you'll know that I hold a flame for someone roughly 6000km away, who said I cause my own problems!? But I'm trying not to focus all my energy on waiting for something, or rather someone that may never happen. I'm trying to date but getting that connection isn't easy, I'm not exactly putting myself 'out there' but I think about it and surely the thought counts?

Just before Christmas I started to talk to a really sweet young guy, talking was fine...I liked having a pen pal. [ Guys, don't chase a girl that calls you 'a really sweet guy' it's girl code for 'ain't happening.'] Anyway, eventually my sweet pen pal started to suggest meeting up... in fact his first suggestion was that I came along to watch his polo lesson. yep.

Eventually I decided to bite the bullet and go on a real life date with him. We arranged to meet me on my lunch break, which I thought would be a good idea - no time for a meal, had a reason to escape and was only going to be a maximum of an hour. Sounds like an ideal set-up for a first date, right? Well here's a tip, don't tell the guys in your office you have a date with a virtual stranger. They will film you greeting your date from the office window whilst narrating the awkward situation as if it were a David Attenborough documentary.

We arrived together at the wine bar over the road from where I work, no sooner were we through the doors did my 'sweet guy' run off to use the bathroom - five minutes or so later he was back and our date could begin. To be fair it wasn't all that bad but I quickly realised we had nothing in common or at least were at different stages of our life's; nothing wrong with that.

One thing that got on my nerves was that my 'sweet guy' was a Vegan Convert, so I'll call him 'Vinny Vegan'. Now before I make any enemies I have no problem with vegans, I found a lot of what Vinny Vegan said very, very interesting (okay maybe only one 'very'). My date was very passionate about veganism, to the point where I felt a little shit for my life choices - at one point he was banging on about the rotting meat in my stomach and I had a little day dream about a nice medium-rare steak (note to self: do not day dream about meat whilst on a date with a vegan).

Anyway, eventually my date moved on from veganism and on to travelling. Everyone on tinder travels. When he had finished telling me all about his recent trip to South America he asked me about my travels... I didn't tell him about my Tinder Trip to New York (or i would've started daydreaming about that too), so I simply said, "I don't travel as I have kids but one day I'll do it all." If there was ever a conversation killer, that was it.

I was a little relieved that we had finished our drinks and had come to a natural end to the date, until he suggested we stayed for one more. I was in shock if I'm honest... I thought we both knew we weren't exactly bouncing off one another. Not wanting to hurt his feelings I agreed to one more QUICK drink. Vinny Vegan ordered us another round and then announced he needed the toilet again, off he went and then arrived the drinks bill. I have no problems buying a date drinks, going dutch on dinner etc, BUT do not order a second round of drinks on a date that you've convinced the other person to stay on and fuck off to the toilet.

I paid the bill and as Vinny Vegan came strolling back to the bar all I wanted to say was 'we must stop MEATING like this. Get it? MEAT, you're a vegan!' Don't worry I held back my witty joke and waited for him to realise I'd paid for the drinks - the date went on, he drank his drink, not a murmur of thanks. Not even, ' Oh SHIT, I haven't paid for the drinks....oh, you got them? Thanks so much' - nothing, nada, zilch.

The end of the drink meant the end of the date but not before he ran off to use the loo for the third time. Seriously kid, whats going on there? Like I said, Vinny Vegan is a 'really sweet guy' but there just wasn't a connection.

I think I've been so worried that I should be dating, when I don't want too. Then I've wanted to date but not wanted to give up on the one person I feel I do have a connection with. Then I realised that I need to give less fucks and go with the flow. So I'm going to date when I want to, fantasise about settling down with my American Hunk when I want to and generally give myself a break when it comes to dating.

One day I'll find a connection with a sexy fibre optic, non vegan, broadband plan - in the meantime does anyone know of any good dongle deals?

What do you think I meant by dongle?? Rude ;)

Single and in love

It’s been a long, long, time since I last blogged and a lot has happened.  I’ve put fingers to keys many times but ended up walking away. I’ve wanted to pour out my thoughts, experiences and emotions for strangers and friends to read (it’s a weird desire, I know)  but my head and heart has been so chaotic that I’ve not done the one thing that would bring me peace and that’s to write.    

So where do I start?

I came back from my ‘Tinder date’ in New York and something had changed within me, I couldn’t put my finger on it but there was a slight shift. Normal life resumed and although I couldn’t take my mind off my American Man I forced myself to date again – small note: Guys and Gals DON’T ever do that to yourself it’s punishment to the heart!

The most memorable date was with an Aussie who was visiting Winchester to work on a local festival. During the course of our date we bumped in to my tipsy sister and her boyfriend, had nothing in common and ran out of conversation QUICKLY. This didn’t stop my Aussie Pal from attacking me with what can only be described as a ‘fish kiss’, it was unexpected, unnecessary, unwanted and unpleasant!  Needless to say I declined his offer to ‘see me home.

I decided to concentrate on completing my degree, finishing my never ending ‘to-do’ lists and loving my children.

Then I met Grumpy. I’ll call him that because he was very much like one of the seven dwarves and I like the idea of being a Disney Princess. This was a Tinder date that started off very well – I could tell he fancied me and I hadn’t felt desired in years. We spent more and more time together and I felt that it could go somewhere.

 Then Grumpy got very grumpy.

If I had a male friend or co-worker, he decided I had slept with them behind his back. We experienced a bad curry, it was my fault for recommending them. If he had a bad night’s sleep at my house, it was my fault. He told me what to buy in a grocery shop; he ignored me & deleted me from Facebook on my Birthday. He would stop replying to messages for days at a time and then strike up conversation as if he hadn’t been ignoring me all week. He told me what I should be doing in my career and berated me for not listening. Finally, he began to squeeze my arms and legs so hard that he’d leave bruises, when I asked him to stop he told me not to bruise so easily (as if that was in my control). I began to apologise for everything and anything - Grumpy was bad news but despite my best friends telling me to get out, I got deeper. I lost all self-worth and confidence, something I’m still trying to repair and build back up.

Eventually I snapped out of it but the damage had been done. I knew who I wanted to be with and I couldn’t be so I gave up.

One day a sugar daddy approached me and asked me out on a date (it’s a long story which I may write about one day). I was working a full-time job and raising my children but had little money; with no self-worth left I agreed to the date. My SD date was a gentleman (just an old one) he brought me a gift and took me for good food and expensive wine – during the starter I ran to the toilet and was sick. I was sick to the stomach at what I was doing – I made it through the dinner (my food went cold as i watched him eat & tried not to be sick again) and when I was home I cried loud, long sobs. I vowed I would stop putting myself in the firing line which caused abuse on my own heart.

Shortly after I made my vow my American (I’m calling him Bravo from now on) emailed to say he was coming to England for my graduation.

Bravo’s visit to the UK was quite simply amazing – there were no dwarves or evil witches but I truly felt like a princess. My heart was full throughout his stay and since his departure. Saying goodbye was extremely difficult and there are still question marks over any future  we may have together however I’ve learnt that patience is a virtue!

I didn’t need to date to find love, I had already found it; it wasn’t ideal or straight forward so I ran from it. What next? Wrong question. What now? I take a breath; I exercise patience; I love myself; I don’t force ANYTHING; and I delete all dating apps!

I'm single, in love and vowing to stop punishing my own heart. As the Ancient Indian Proverb says:

“Certain things will catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture your heart”

Getting something off my chest

This is another blog purely to vent about my personal turmoils of online dating -

When I was a young girl I did ballet classes and had an extremely good posture, my teacher told me that despite my short height I had potential to be a good ballerina. Everything was going well UNTILL puberty hit me like a road block and I developed... new assets.

The trouble with being 4'11 is that everyone noticed how short I was in comparison to everyone else and my new 'assets' were also more noticeable. So as I went on to senior school with my new body and ballerina posture I was faced with a different judgement - instead of being praised for my excellent posture, "shoulders down and back, neck elongated and chin up", I was told:

"STOP STICKING YOUR TITS OUT YOU SLAG",

"Charlie, you're inviting negative attention with your chest",

"Sweetheart, I say this as a loving teacher looking out for you, you shouldn't pronounce your development in to womanhood in front of the young boys" (bearing in mind the school uniform is a buttoned up shirt and jumper)

So I began to roll my shoulders forward, hunch my lower back over and my posture is now horrendous. Don't get me wrong, everyone that knows me knows I love a good V-neck however I have less than 5cm's of "chest" before my cleavage starts; so without wearing a roll neck (which is incredibly unforgiving for my shape) I'll always appear to be 'flashing my assets'.

As I started to go out to pubs and clubs men would assume because I had a larger chest it automatically meant I was "up for it" - on top of that wives and girlfriends automatically didn't like me and my 'blessings' became something very negative.

So at 4'11 with FF's it's literally unavoidable to notice my shape and online dating is an absolute nightmare. I get the obvious type of messages "oi, oi TITS" - cue immediate disgust and blocking. I get the slow build up from some guys who start off nice and then eventually end in "You're beautiful, and might i just add you have wonderful breasts" - cue a sad sigh and blocking.

In some cases, as I experienced tonight, you have the 'nice lawyer from Covent Garden' who acts like a complete gentleman until it gets to arranging the finer details for the first date...

Yes, you read correctly....the guy I was going to meet next Saturday made the assumption he would be staying the night on the first date AND asked if I would give him a lift to a cricket match in another county. Now I'm not saying this is because I'm well blessed in the upper chest region BUT after the comments I usually get it can really get to a girl!

** Disclaimer he already knew I horse ride and so my "riding comment" can not be translated as a naughty innuendo

So this blog doesn't really have a 'point' but maybe a lesson for anyone commenting on a woman's large chest - (most) of us didn't choose this 'blessing', it doesn't automatically make a lady a 'slag' or 'easy'. So boy's on tinder - there's more to a short woman with large over the shoulder bolder holders.

I'll now be focusing on getting back my ballerina posture... and anyone that makes a negative comment about it, I'll be sending you the bill from my chiropractor!