Single and in love

It’s been a long, long, time since I last blogged and a lot has happened.  I’ve put fingers to keys many times but ended up walking away. I’ve wanted to pour out my thoughts, experiences and emotions for strangers and friends to read (it’s a weird desire, I know)  but my head and heart has been so chaotic that I’ve not done the one thing that would bring me peace and that’s to write.    

So where do I start?

I came back from my ‘Tinder date’ in New York and something had changed within me, I couldn’t put my finger on it but there was a slight shift. Normal life resumed and although I couldn’t take my mind off my American Man I forced myself to date again – small note: Guys and Gals DON’T ever do that to yourself it’s punishment to the heart!

The most memorable date was with an Aussie who was visiting Winchester to work on a local festival. During the course of our date we bumped in to my tipsy sister and her boyfriend, had nothing in common and ran out of conversation QUICKLY. This didn’t stop my Aussie Pal from attacking me with what can only be described as a ‘fish kiss’, it was unexpected, unnecessary, unwanted and unpleasant!  Needless to say I declined his offer to ‘see me home.

I decided to concentrate on completing my degree, finishing my never ending ‘to-do’ lists and loving my children.

Then I met Grumpy. I’ll call him that because he was very much like one of the seven dwarves and I like the idea of being a Disney Princess. This was a Tinder date that started off very well – I could tell he fancied me and I hadn’t felt desired in years. We spent more and more time together and I felt that it could go somewhere.

 Then Grumpy got very grumpy.

If I had a male friend or co-worker, he decided I had slept with them behind his back. We experienced a bad curry, it was my fault for recommending them. If he had a bad night’s sleep at my house, it was my fault. He told me what to buy in a grocery shop; he ignored me & deleted me from Facebook on my Birthday. He would stop replying to messages for days at a time and then strike up conversation as if he hadn’t been ignoring me all week. He told me what I should be doing in my career and berated me for not listening. Finally, he began to squeeze my arms and legs so hard that he’d leave bruises, when I asked him to stop he told me not to bruise so easily (as if that was in my control). I began to apologise for everything and anything - Grumpy was bad news but despite my best friends telling me to get out, I got deeper. I lost all self-worth and confidence, something I’m still trying to repair and build back up.

Eventually I snapped out of it but the damage had been done. I knew who I wanted to be with and I couldn’t be so I gave up.

One day a sugar daddy approached me and asked me out on a date (it’s a long story which I may write about one day). I was working a full-time job and raising my children but had little money; with no self-worth left I agreed to the date. My SD date was a gentleman (just an old one) he brought me a gift and took me for good food and expensive wine – during the starter I ran to the toilet and was sick. I was sick to the stomach at what I was doing – I made it through the dinner (my food went cold as i watched him eat & tried not to be sick again) and when I was home I cried loud, long sobs. I vowed I would stop putting myself in the firing line which caused abuse on my own heart.

Shortly after I made my vow my American (I’m calling him Bravo from now on) emailed to say he was coming to England for my graduation.

Bravo’s visit to the UK was quite simply amazing – there were no dwarves or evil witches but I truly felt like a princess. My heart was full throughout his stay and since his departure. Saying goodbye was extremely difficult and there are still question marks over any future  we may have together however I’ve learnt that patience is a virtue!

I didn’t need to date to find love, I had already found it; it wasn’t ideal or straight forward so I ran from it. What next? Wrong question. What now? I take a breath; I exercise patience; I love myself; I don’t force ANYTHING; and I delete all dating apps!

I'm single, in love and vowing to stop punishing my own heart. As the Ancient Indian Proverb says:

“Certain things will catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture your heart”