Tinder Tales Returns.... 'I yam what I yam'

Recently I decided to delve back into the world of dating, one date in and several horrendous ‘matches’ later, I’m wondering what on earth possessed me. Well, I know what prompted me to give dating another go and the truth is I’m lonely.

I’m working hard at my career, loving time with my children, appreciating time with my family and friends BUT the companionship, closeness and everything else a relationship brings is something I miss. Sometimes the hardest part is being honest as to why we’re putting ourselves through modern day dating. It’s made even harder when those already in relationships assure me that ‘you’re fine on your own’, ‘You can use this time to be selfish and work on yourself’ or ‘He’s right around the corner, stop looking and you’ll find him’ – that last one is my favourite…. Between a full time job and full-time mummy position I only have 4 nights a month to meet someone ‘the normal way’. To be quite frank I don’t fancy hanging out in a bar in case my ‘knight in shining armour’ strolls by, nor am I up for joining a weekend dance group on the off chance a eligible bachelor in his 30's  joins me in a ‘step-ball change’.

I tell a lie, I joined an adult kick-boxing class in a bid to ‘work on myself’ whilst putting myself into a new social setting that could mean an opportunity to meet single men…. turns out my class considers ‘adults’ as 12 years and up; sparring with adolescent boys is not the ideal dating situation.

Anyway, I’ve been looking for silver linings recently and the silver lining to my dating woes is that TINDER TALES IS BACK (for now).  I’ll begin with a couple of my matches….

‘Cross Chris’

This match was quick off the mark with the ‘warning signs’. Cross Chris opened up our chat by telling me his work place had ‘dress down Fridays’ – when a guy starts talking about clothes, or by the nature of this day the potential lack of clothes, my internal warning bells go off sharpish. You may be thinking that I was over-reacting, surely ‘dress-down Fridays’ just means casual wear? And you’re right, thankfully I did not receive any pictures of a naked man, a possible interpretation of  ‘dress down’.

Instead Cross Chris provided me photo evidence of his choose of ‘dress down’ uniform…. He decided to go into work with a skirt on, not a kilt or a ‘just for fun’ tutu, a denim skirt and black stockings (footwear info was not divulged).  My dating alarm bells rung’eth once more BUT I thought to myself ‘don’t judge, he could be a hoot, he could have just lost a bet’.

A couple of days later Cross Chris decides to tell me he once went on a night out dressed as a woman and proceeded to provide me with yet more photo evidence – it is at that point I made a vow to myself that I never thought I’d have to make, ‘I shall never date a man who makes a prettier woman than myself’.

Cross Chris must have taken my radio silence as a sign that his cross-dressing wasn’t something that turned me on, so he sent me as picture of himself in jeans. Upon closer inspection of the photograph I could see through a hole on his jeans and on his feet that he is was in fact still wearing black stockings.

Sorry Cross Dressing Chris – I’ve not got enough stockings for the both of us.

Other Matches include: Dry Demi and Crude Craig. I'll just leave a couple screenshots below and you'll get the idea...

And finally, my first date back on the scene – Popeye Pete.

I’ll keep this one short because the chap was lovely however he ended the date in the most bizarre way. Popeye Pete finished the date in a way some men approach women… he asked me the following, “Can I pick you up?”

Me: ummmm excuse me?

PP: I just want to see if I can pick you up!

Yes, he literally wants to LIFT me up IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

Me: OH.. OH, I’m heavier than I look… and I look pretty heavy. You don’t want to hurt yourself

*Bad move Charlie, that’s a red flag to a man’s ego. ‘He man, He lift woman’*

Don’t ask me why but I relented and allowed this man to lift me up.

PP:  SEE, you’re not heavy at all *said slightly strained and with flushed cheeks.

So the first few matches and first date that have brought me back to Tinder Tales have left me feeling heavy yet deflated but I’m going to keep trying. There will be a perfectly imperfect person out there for me - my very own Popeye who will lift my spirits, lift my laughter, lift my confidence in love but most definitely not lift me up outside an estate agents.... 'I yam what I yam'

Have we got a connection?

Recently I mentioned on Instagram that my love life felt like my wifi connection, "it keeps me guessing as to whether it's going to work or not." The more I thought about this the more I realised how true it was.... getting a wifi/love interest to connect isn't always easy.

For some people they can meet, date, connect and end up with a full on committed broadband plan - like my newly engaged little sister. Others think they've got an awesome deal until the connection keeps dropping, the refresh button no longer works, the service provider doesn't give a fuck and eventually leaves one to seriously consider investing in a dongle - like me.

If you've read my previous posts you'll know that I hold a flame for someone roughly 6000km away, who said I cause my own problems!? But I'm trying not to focus all my energy on waiting for something, or rather someone that may never happen. I'm trying to date but getting that connection isn't easy, I'm not exactly putting myself 'out there' but I think about it and surely the thought counts?

Just before Christmas I started to talk to a really sweet young guy, talking was fine...I liked having a pen pal. [ Guys, don't chase a girl that calls you 'a really sweet guy' it's girl code for 'ain't happening.'] Anyway, eventually my sweet pen pal started to suggest meeting up... in fact his first suggestion was that I came along to watch his polo lesson. yep.

Eventually I decided to bite the bullet and go on a real life date with him. We arranged to meet me on my lunch break, which I thought would be a good idea - no time for a meal, had a reason to escape and was only going to be a maximum of an hour. Sounds like an ideal set-up for a first date, right? Well here's a tip, don't tell the guys in your office you have a date with a virtual stranger. They will film you greeting your date from the office window whilst narrating the awkward situation as if it were a David Attenborough documentary.

We arrived together at the wine bar over the road from where I work, no sooner were we through the doors did my 'sweet guy' run off to use the bathroom - five minutes or so later he was back and our date could begin. To be fair it wasn't all that bad but I quickly realised we had nothing in common or at least were at different stages of our life's; nothing wrong with that.

One thing that got on my nerves was that my 'sweet guy' was a Vegan Convert, so I'll call him 'Vinny Vegan'. Now before I make any enemies I have no problem with vegans, I found a lot of what Vinny Vegan said very, very interesting (okay maybe only one 'very'). My date was very passionate about veganism, to the point where I felt a little shit for my life choices - at one point he was banging on about the rotting meat in my stomach and I had a little day dream about a nice medium-rare steak (note to self: do not day dream about meat whilst on a date with a vegan).

Anyway, eventually my date moved on from veganism and on to travelling. Everyone on tinder travels. When he had finished telling me all about his recent trip to South America he asked me about my travels... I didn't tell him about my Tinder Trip to New York (or i would've started daydreaming about that too), so I simply said, "I don't travel as I have kids but one day I'll do it all." If there was ever a conversation killer, that was it.

I was a little relieved that we had finished our drinks and had come to a natural end to the date, until he suggested we stayed for one more. I was in shock if I'm honest... I thought we both knew we weren't exactly bouncing off one another. Not wanting to hurt his feelings I agreed to one more QUICK drink. Vinny Vegan ordered us another round and then announced he needed the toilet again, off he went and then arrived the drinks bill. I have no problems buying a date drinks, going dutch on dinner etc, BUT do not order a second round of drinks on a date that you've convinced the other person to stay on and fuck off to the toilet.

I paid the bill and as Vinny Vegan came strolling back to the bar all I wanted to say was 'we must stop MEATING like this. Get it? MEAT, you're a vegan!' Don't worry I held back my witty joke and waited for him to realise I'd paid for the drinks - the date went on, he drank his drink, not a murmur of thanks. Not even, ' Oh SHIT, I haven't paid for the drinks....oh, you got them? Thanks so much' - nothing, nada, zilch.

The end of the drink meant the end of the date but not before he ran off to use the loo for the third time. Seriously kid, whats going on there? Like I said, Vinny Vegan is a 'really sweet guy' but there just wasn't a connection.

I think I've been so worried that I should be dating, when I don't want too. Then I've wanted to date but not wanted to give up on the one person I feel I do have a connection with. Then I realised that I need to give less fucks and go with the flow. So I'm going to date when I want to, fantasise about settling down with my American Hunk when I want to and generally give myself a break when it comes to dating.

One day I'll find a connection with a sexy fibre optic, non vegan, broadband plan - in the meantime does anyone know of any good dongle deals?

What do you think I meant by dongle?? Rude ;)

Single and in love

It’s been a long, long, time since I last blogged and a lot has happened.  I’ve put fingers to keys many times but ended up walking away. I’ve wanted to pour out my thoughts, experiences and emotions for strangers and friends to read (it’s a weird desire, I know)  but my head and heart has been so chaotic that I’ve not done the one thing that would bring me peace and that’s to write.    

So where do I start?

I came back from my ‘Tinder date’ in New York and something had changed within me, I couldn’t put my finger on it but there was a slight shift. Normal life resumed and although I couldn’t take my mind off my American Man I forced myself to date again – small note: Guys and Gals DON’T ever do that to yourself it’s punishment to the heart!

The most memorable date was with an Aussie who was visiting Winchester to work on a local festival. During the course of our date we bumped in to my tipsy sister and her boyfriend, had nothing in common and ran out of conversation QUICKLY. This didn’t stop my Aussie Pal from attacking me with what can only be described as a ‘fish kiss’, it was unexpected, unnecessary, unwanted and unpleasant!  Needless to say I declined his offer to ‘see me home.

I decided to concentrate on completing my degree, finishing my never ending ‘to-do’ lists and loving my children.

Then I met Grumpy. I’ll call him that because he was very much like one of the seven dwarves and I like the idea of being a Disney Princess. This was a Tinder date that started off very well – I could tell he fancied me and I hadn’t felt desired in years. We spent more and more time together and I felt that it could go somewhere.

 Then Grumpy got very grumpy.

If I had a male friend or co-worker, he decided I had slept with them behind his back. We experienced a bad curry, it was my fault for recommending them. If he had a bad night’s sleep at my house, it was my fault. He told me what to buy in a grocery shop; he ignored me & deleted me from Facebook on my Birthday. He would stop replying to messages for days at a time and then strike up conversation as if he hadn’t been ignoring me all week. He told me what I should be doing in my career and berated me for not listening. Finally, he began to squeeze my arms and legs so hard that he’d leave bruises, when I asked him to stop he told me not to bruise so easily (as if that was in my control). I began to apologise for everything and anything - Grumpy was bad news but despite my best friends telling me to get out, I got deeper. I lost all self-worth and confidence, something I’m still trying to repair and build back up.

Eventually I snapped out of it but the damage had been done. I knew who I wanted to be with and I couldn’t be so I gave up.

One day a sugar daddy approached me and asked me out on a date (it’s a long story which I may write about one day). I was working a full-time job and raising my children but had little money; with no self-worth left I agreed to the date. My SD date was a gentleman (just an old one) he brought me a gift and took me for good food and expensive wine – during the starter I ran to the toilet and was sick. I was sick to the stomach at what I was doing – I made it through the dinner (my food went cold as i watched him eat & tried not to be sick again) and when I was home I cried loud, long sobs. I vowed I would stop putting myself in the firing line which caused abuse on my own heart.

Shortly after I made my vow my American (I’m calling him Bravo from now on) emailed to say he was coming to England for my graduation.

Bravo’s visit to the UK was quite simply amazing – there were no dwarves or evil witches but I truly felt like a princess. My heart was full throughout his stay and since his departure. Saying goodbye was extremely difficult and there are still question marks over any future  we may have together however I’ve learnt that patience is a virtue!

I didn’t need to date to find love, I had already found it; it wasn’t ideal or straight forward so I ran from it. What next? Wrong question. What now? I take a breath; I exercise patience; I love myself; I don’t force ANYTHING; and I delete all dating apps!

I'm single, in love and vowing to stop punishing my own heart. As the Ancient Indian Proverb says:

“Certain things will catch your eye, but pursue only those that capture your heart”

Getting something off my chest

This is another blog purely to vent about my personal turmoils of online dating -

When I was a young girl I did ballet classes and had an extremely good posture, my teacher told me that despite my short height I had potential to be a good ballerina. Everything was going well UNTILL puberty hit me like a road block and I developed... new assets.

The trouble with being 4'11 is that everyone noticed how short I was in comparison to everyone else and my new 'assets' were also more noticeable. So as I went on to senior school with my new body and ballerina posture I was faced with a different judgement - instead of being praised for my excellent posture, "shoulders down and back, neck elongated and chin up", I was told:

"STOP STICKING YOUR TITS OUT YOU SLAG",

"Charlie, you're inviting negative attention with your chest",

"Sweetheart, I say this as a loving teacher looking out for you, you shouldn't pronounce your development in to womanhood in front of the young boys" (bearing in mind the school uniform is a buttoned up shirt and jumper)

So I began to roll my shoulders forward, hunch my lower back over and my posture is now horrendous. Don't get me wrong, everyone that knows me knows I love a good V-neck however I have less than 5cm's of "chest" before my cleavage starts; so without wearing a roll neck (which is incredibly unforgiving for my shape) I'll always appear to be 'flashing my assets'.

As I started to go out to pubs and clubs men would assume because I had a larger chest it automatically meant I was "up for it" - on top of that wives and girlfriends automatically didn't like me and my 'blessings' became something very negative.

So at 4'11 with FF's it's literally unavoidable to notice my shape and online dating is an absolute nightmare. I get the obvious type of messages "oi, oi TITS" - cue immediate disgust and blocking. I get the slow build up from some guys who start off nice and then eventually end in "You're beautiful, and might i just add you have wonderful breasts" - cue a sad sigh and blocking.

In some cases, as I experienced tonight, you have the 'nice lawyer from Covent Garden' who acts like a complete gentleman until it gets to arranging the finer details for the first date...

Yes, you read correctly....the guy I was going to meet next Saturday made the assumption he would be staying the night on the first date AND asked if I would give him a lift to a cricket match in another county. Now I'm not saying this is because I'm well blessed in the upper chest region BUT after the comments I usually get it can really get to a girl!

** Disclaimer he already knew I horse ride and so my "riding comment" can not be translated as a naughty innuendo

So this blog doesn't really have a 'point' but maybe a lesson for anyone commenting on a woman's large chest - (most) of us didn't choose this 'blessing', it doesn't automatically make a lady a 'slag' or 'easy'. So boy's on tinder - there's more to a short woman with large over the shoulder bolder holders.

I'll now be focusing on getting back my ballerina posture... and anyone that makes a negative comment about it, I'll be sending you the bill from my chiropractor!

Turning 27 and having no clue

So I know this is my dating blog and it's been very quiet on that front. I wish I could report on a blossoming romance but actually life 'stuff' has been happening and I'm going to blog about that first. Be warned, it's about to get seriously self reflective!

When I was 13, 15, 17, 20 years old I was convinced by 25 I'd be settled down, in love, have a career, or at least regimented on eating three meals a day - remember I was married at 16, a mother by (just) 17 and divorced by 21 but I held out for the BIG OLD AGE OF 25. That annoying landmark your younger self thinks you'll have your shit figured out (disclaimer, so happy for you if you have).

On the 1st June 2016 I turned 27; I'm not in love and still getting over heartbreak, I'm occasionally kicking ass at being a parent, my degree results aren't what I hoped for, my career isn't going the way I had focused it to, and I'm still forgetting to eat breakfast, gorge at lunch and am not hungry for dinner!

The day before my 27th birthday my ex-boyfriend blocked me on Facebook and announced his new relationship (another disclaimer - we were actually in the friend-zone, totally happy for him, feel the blocking was a little unwarranted but each to their own; I'm taking the route of blogging about it!) Although I'm happy for him and I'll be brutally honest, I'm annoyed he got there first! I said the thing no ex says out loud - I want to be in the honeymoon period and telling all my friends too. So with that, I'll close that topic.

On my actual birthday the guy I'd been seeing (which helped me get over the above topic) essentially blew the whistle on our game. We were no where near being "boyfriend and girlfriend" but he was companionship and stomach flutters, he thought my birthday was the best time to delete me from Facebook and cancel seeing me - another one bites the dust.

So I'm newly 27, I'm nowhere near love, still working on my career, I didn't spend any time with my kids this evening as I was fretting about work, put the children to bed late, shouted at the dogs for wanting attention and I totally forgot to eat dinner.

So why do I write this blog with a smile on my face?

After an evening of best friend chats and quiet self-reflection, I realise this:

I'm 27 and have life experience (even if that experience resulted in ALOT of heartbreak)

I'm 27 and I have beautiful kids that really don't care how old I am or what I'm doing, they feel loved.

I'm 27 and I have met the most amazing people that I will forever have in my network; and therefore career

I'm 27 and in the face of shit, I am brave

I'm 27 and I have support and love to get me through to the next stage

I'm 27 and I have career experience and from that friendship with the nicest people

I'm 27 and it really doesn't matter what age I am - I'm going through life, just like everyone else at what ever age they are.

So the point of this is - life doesn't begin at 25, 30, 40, 50 or 60 etc. (sorry to break it to you) life is happening right NOW. Although at some point we'll probably forget, in a moment of self-indulgence and pity, we should always acknowledge where our door's have closed but put focus on where they opened or could open.

I still have no idea what I'm doing but I'm 27 and I'm holding tight to the key that will unlock doors to my future..... I just need to figure out this three meals a day thing.

He's already put a ring on it....

So in a bid to stop fantasising about my American hunk (see previous post) and try and regain some sort of realistic approach to my future love life (whilst still hoping he'll fly to England whisk me off my feet and live happily ever after) - I re-downloaded tinder and arranged a date with (a seemingly) lovely gentleman.

By now you all know how my Tinder Tales tend to go but let's start from the very beginning....

My date met me at the bar, mojito in hand with a signet ring placed on his pinky, his exceptionally posh accent purred "Helloooooo, delightful to meet you" as he lent in for a kiss (on both cheeks, of course) and promptly spilt his cocktail on to my foot.

Posh P. had an air and grace about him, as if I had just entered his bar and the people surrounding us were merely background noise, he was almost camp; a sort of Hugh Grant character but minus the floppy hair...or much hair at all really (NOT that it matters, I am not a bald'isct).

We got talking straight away, never once finishing a conversation but flitting from one subject to another but after a while it became quite hard work - not because I felt I had to fill in any gaps or scramble for things to say - because I have a tendency to mimic the accents of the people I'm talking to. So, as I started to talk to Posh P. my accent merged in to a cross between Liz Hurley and someone out of Made in Chelsea and my mouth actually started to ache. I'm quite well spoken any way (thanks to my Father's threats that the Queen could visit at any moment and we mustn't sound like"yobs" - that's middle class parenting for you!) but my voice went SUPER posh and it's actually really hard to keep up! Every now and again I'd drop the accent, any one remember Ross from 'Friends' trying to phase out his fake British accent? Well, that's how I sounded when I slipped up.

Despite chatting non stop for over 2 hours I didn't learn a huge amount about him, we did have chemistry and laughed a lot - maybe it was the champagne that helped? Posh P. was light on details, for example, he had been in the Army but when I asked what he had done within the Army his response was; "well I went to Iraq and got a tan darling....." he was obviously making light of quite a heavy topic and didn't want to discuss it, so I let it drop. When I asked about his previous relationship he only mentioned that it ended 1.5 years ago and had lasted for 6 years... but again it's not exactly first date etiquette to discusses ex's, so I left it.

After the bottle of fizz had been finished and we'd moved on to champagne cocktails... Posh P. went full on Hugh Grant: "I find it rather unusual that we have connected with such a chemistry from a Tinder date - I've really enjoyed this evening, and I don't do PDA's, but for the past hour I've really wanted to kiss you".

I couldn't believe how straight to the point he had been, he was charming and I was extremely flattered, we went outside and walked through the court yard, under the twinkle lights, and shared a kiss.

The next day I couldn't help but do a bit of internet investigation, detective work...okay fine, full on stalking. Don't ask me how... but I found out his full name and Googled him. I eventually came across his family's country estate, which is hired out for weddings, and I started to let my imagination run away with me.... Until I discovered something I wish I hadn't, he'd already put a ring on it; he was married.

I spent the day after the date so angry that I had allowed some posh, Hugh Grant type character charm me in to a snog and flirtation. I'm not the one who has lied or cheated but I felt guilty by association - I went on a rant to my colleague who quickly pointed out that he could be divorced....Ah. I couldn't just text him and ask if he was married/divorced.... it would give away my psychotic internet lurking, I've resolved to waiting for the opportunity to slide in the question.

So what have I learnt from this date? I should stick to my own accent, my internet investigations may be slightly out of control, he could be divorced, DON'T kiss on the first date, and lastly, maybe it's best to keep fantasising about my American Hunk moving to England.

Crossing the Atlantic for Love

In my last blog I wrote about a date which ended up costing me ALOT of money, it was a dinner date at home and in order to keep the kids upstairs I bribed my son with a new PlayStation - my son did as he was told and so I kept up my end of the bargain (I've not won the lottery, it was second hand). Sadly the bloke never contacted me again - note to self: never cook for a man you're trying to impress.

Anyway, my most recent date 'trumps' the last one in so many ways... THIS is the most expensive date I've ever been on and I really can't afford for my dates to keep inflating in this manner!

As the title suggests, I recently flew across the Atlantic in my quest for love aka for a date. No, you didn't misread that; I met a guy on tinder and, having never met him, I booked a flight and 7hr 45 mins across the globe to meet him. No, I'm not so desperate I set my tinder radius to 5,567 km (yes, I googled it) there's an explanation for this mad act.

Okay, here's some context - In late June 2015, I matched on tinder with a rather good-looking young man, who at the time waws only 20.5 km away. We got talking, he didn't give any "motorboat" one-liners, like the one I received recently (see below), he was perfectly lovely with an awesome personality. I must have been slightly distracted because I didn't see job description: "actor on a cruise line.... AMERICAN" - my new match was only 20.5 km away for less than 24 hours before he sailed out of my reach, however, the idea of him was out of reach before I had realised it.

Despite the difference in lifestyle and the small issue of copious land and sea separating us, we continued chatting almost every day since we 'matched', until one day I had enough. I couldn't handle having a strong connection with someone I'd never met and would possibly never meet - it was do or die, I had to meet him and see if it was real.

I realise that flying to America to meet a man I'd never met before could have been quite literally "do or die" but l had a very strong feeling that I'd be fine - I had been emailing, calling and Skyping him for nine months (but I also had friends addresses in New York that I could escape too if he turned out to be crazy).

When I arrived at the airport he was there, donned in a suit and carrying a sign with his pet name for me, "chuck". Initially, I couldn't read the sign as my eyes were welling up with happy tears (happy to see him and that I hadn't been 'catfished').

Hugging my American hunk hello (in real life) felt weird... Because it didn't actually feel weird, it felt so natural being in his presence. After being online pen-pals for so long I had spent 7hours+ in the sky worried that we wouldn't hit it off, I needn't have worried.

My stay in New York with my American hunk was a complete blur of pure happiness, excitement, tourism and bright lights! I'm so glad that I was "mad" enough to take the risk and meet someone that I adored from afar. Who knows what will happen in the future but if distance and circumstances have their way then, at the very least, my American hunk will be a lifetime friend.

My adventure to New York, in which I took a massive risk, taught me how I deserve to be treated and if it's not going to be my American hunk I shouldn't settle for less. My trip has taught me to make my own life adventures instead of waiting for it to come to me, my life won't change if I continue to sit on my sofa watching Gogglebox in my PJ's. The "Love Actually" airport scene isn't just for the movies, I should know, I lived it through my own happy tears. 

Have I gone mad? Maybe so. But let me tell you a secret....all the best people are. ( Alice in Wonderland)