Never Been Kissed

The title of this blog is very tongue in cheek (as really it was tongue in my mouth) "Never been kissed" (1999) is a rom com starring Drew Barrymore, who plays a young journalist who was a "geek" in high school and was never kissed by a boy.... but I'll rewind and start this Tinder Tale from the beginning.

It all started the usual way... matching with a good looking chap on Tinder. Straight away we hit it off, I was hugely rebounding from my "Dolphin Rescuer" so I guess I came across as aloof, casual and sexy (this is what I'm telling myself). I can really get along with just about anyone when my level of sarcasm and weird sense of humour communicates well over technology, and with this particular tinder tale we seemed to match well.

I do love a proactive "dater" - we matched on the Saturday, swapped numbers by the Sunday and had our first date planned for the Wednesday! A whirlwind of communication and anticipation of meeting a stranger was exciting - it was enough time to establish that we had enough in common to get along in person; feel we had got to know each other enough, without entering the "safe-zone" of mundane chat, and in my mind the chances of him being a mass murderer weren't as high a when we had first started talking.

So I arrived at the pub I choose for every first date (I'm pretty sure the bar staff think I'm a "lady of the night") and had enough time to climb on to the bar stool (I'm 4'11, I can't elegantly perch) and adopt a "casual" position. My date arrived and thankfully he wasn't wielding a knife and looked a lot like his photos.

Before I go on I guess I should give my date a nickname, as is tradition for my Tinder Tales. I've struggled with this nickname, as the most obvious ones could give away his identity, but I shall knight my (unworthy) suitor, "Charlie Chaplin". Why? Purely because he presented himself as an absolute gentleman but that turned out to be the biggest joke (plus it's a hidden joke for my boss & colleague if they read this).

So, I sat down for drinks with Charlie Chaplin and instead of first date awkward silences or "20 question" type conversation we HIT IT OFF, I didn't check my phone untill it was way beyond my babysitters "knock off" time (thanks mum).

As i shuffled out the pub in my very worn down and ill fitting heels my chivalrous Charlie Chaplin offered to walk me to my car. As much as I was grateful for this lovely offer I was quite looking forward to whipping my heels off and walking bare foot back to my car, using that time to decide if I "liked" him enough for a second date.

As we got to my car, parked in a loading bay behind Debenhams, I turned to thank him for the drink and a nice evening (which it had been) I went in for a one armed hug and a kiss on the cheek, before I knew it Mr. Chaplin abruptly turned his head and went in for a full on kiss....which turned in to a snog.

As the wind swept my hair back I readjusted my footing in my agonising heels, I dared to lift my arms up to Charlie Chaplins shoulder.....all I could think was, "what IS that smell?" - turns out we were making out next to the near by hotel's bins. Forgetting the smell I started to let my heart get excited and began to kiss him back just as he was pulling away, cue me awkwardly kissing the air between our mouths. I fill the silence and smelly air with "well, that was nice"..... and fell down the curb in to my car, cursing my heels (which are now in the bin).

Before the kiss I wasn't blown away by Charlie Chaplin but afterwards I was convinced this guy was "IT" ....  despite the bin smell.

A couple weeks later I invited him to my house for dinner, I had even bribed my son to stay in his room with a new playstation! This may seem extreme but a small child walking in to a dinner or intimate moment on the sofa is more of a mood killer than a smelly bin. My cooking was average, the wine he brought was okay, the conversation was lovely, and the kissing was MUCH better than the first date.

Sadly I never heard from Charlie Chaplin after our second date... actually I did but I could tell it was only to "phase me out". Although the first date was lovely and the kiss was unexpected, a true gentlemen would've been upfront instead of "phasing me out".

We've all got to kiss some frogs before we find the right one but in this case I wish I'D NEVER BEEN KISSED - purely because I had to keep my promise and buy my son a playstation - most expensive failed relationship EVER.

Prince Charming or Dolphin Rescuer?

So the blog’s back! which can only mean one thing, my Prince Charming and I had a whirlwind romance, got married and lived happily after; until one day he disappeared whilst trying to save a pod of drowning dolphins…. OR something like that anyway.

Not sure when (or if) I’ll be dating again but for now I’m making lots of plans to be happy without a fella. When I was with the aforementioned “dolphin rescuer” we made a ‘wish list’ for 2016, it was a way of making sure we didn’t use our quality time being couch potatoes and to ensure we collected memories, not things. Well, instead of searching out another “fish saving hero” I’m going to do the list on my own and with the people I love.

This weekend I took my children to Oxygen in Southampton and had the best time jumping around in the indoor trampolining/free running centre. Although this was on the ‘wish list’ I was a bit worried about the trip, fellow mumma’s who didn’t do their Kegel exercises I’m sure you know what I mean, but we had a great time and was so good to be smiling and having fun!

Another item on the ‘wish list’ also features on my ‘bucket list’, to visit Rome. I’ve always wanted to go and I’m not entirely sure why, maybe the romantic lure of the city resonates with my love for all things… romantic! So I’m booking a trip to Rome with my best girl friend and maybe I’ll meet a lovely Italian who won’t judge me for the amount of pasta I can pack away?

So this whole single thing is okay, I’ll go through the 'wish list' at my own pace and live life to it’s fullest – and if I get lonely maybe I’ll buy a sheep instead of another cat….

Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em | Polyamorous Paul

Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em - a popular British sitcom shown in the 70's, starring Michael Crawford who played the lead role of loveable Frank. Sadly, this blog doesn't feature a clumsy but adorable male protagonist it features a bigoted, narcissistic character. A character I've named Polyamorous Paul.

So this blog title isn't in reference to the sitcom but is a reminder that these type of men, the Polyamorous Paul's,  are born from women! My poor son has no idea the lesson's I shall be drumming in to him!

So, it started the usual way, with a tinder match. Paul was a fair bit older than me but I hoped this would mean maturity, self assurance, security and achievement. He played polo, which I love, and I met my match when it came to witty retorts. I was delighted when he asked me out and when he suggested a phone call I had the right mix of nerves and excitement.

Before our phone conversation he disappeared off the radar... when he reappeared via text he claimed he had left his phone in a taxi and had been desperate to get hold of me. At this point a faint tingle of alarm bells rang but I told myself to stop being so negative, these things happen!

We continued chatting via text for a couple of days... his tone had changed slightly and began to steer towards boarder line remarks and dodgy innuendos. Alarm bells got louder but I ignored the remarks, or laughed them off, and agreed to a rearrangement of a phone call.

Polyamorous Paul was a pleasure to talk to over the phone, he was well spoken, polite and put my previous apprehension to rest. I got off the phone and told my friend all about him over a few Friday night drinks. I was excited, positive and looked forward to him texting me again.

A few hours after our phone call my phone pinged! I glanced down and saw his name on my screen, with a huge grin on my face I picked up my phone and readied myself to flirt outrageously. It was a Whatsapp message but it wasn't from Polyamorous Paul, it was about him.

At first I couldn't make head nor tail of what was being sent to me (I was a bottle of wine in to my evening at this point) and then I realised the WhatsApp message was in fact a group. A group of women that had dated or messaged Polyamorous Paul, instigated by his long suffering ex.

The evening ended with a phone call from one of the other girls explaining her interaction with Polyamorous Paul and how she had cancelled her date with him after her own alarm bells had rung. Only three hours after my phone call with Polyamorous Paul was I on the phone to a member of his harem - I suddenly felt like a loose women panelist, swapping stories and man bashing except this one deserved it.

The following morning Polyamorous Paul had the audacity to text me.....

I guess the other members told him where to go....

The fact that Polyamorous Paul tried to convince me (and probably himself) that he "wasn't trying to mess anyone around" was laughable, however I was thankful that I'd made a lucky escape.

Moral of the story, listen to the alarm bells of your conscious mind...and Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em!

"Ooh Betty ..." When will I learn?

Date #3 - forget Mr. Darcy meet Mr. Lainston

Date number 3 (known as Mr. Lainston) was neither a disaster nor was there a fireworks display, but in my opinion that's a successful date!

Mr. Lainston suggested a first date at a beautiful hotel in my local area, the setting was something out of Downton Abbey. Although i was excited about the venue I'm a modern day girl and expect to pay half for drinks or dinner (but kinda hope he pays) however when he set the expensive venue I seriously hoped he wouldn't make me pay half....at the end of the date I went for the handbag reach, fully knowing i couldn't afford it, and thankfully he declined my offer. But let's not jump to the end....

As I drove up the long drive to the beautiful hotel I played Celine Dion over the radio and allowed my imagination to play away. I pictured Mr.Darcy waiting to greet me by the manor house doors, he would take my arm and glide me towards the garden terrace for champagne and strawberries.  In my mind I was Elizabeth Bennet not Bridget Jones, I would have the same spark and wit as Jane Austen's protagonist; but I would not have any prejudice.

Despite trying to channel the classy Miss. Bennet character I floundered in the first 10 minutes. Instead of being a Jane Austen character I was more like Bridget Jones....Mr. Lainston casually asked me when I'd last visited the hotel, my filter must have deleted itself....

"Well, Mr. Lainston, the last time I was here was my wedding night...which was in 2006, basically a lifetime ago... i barely recognise this place..."

I believe in honesty but my goodness I wish I had lied, the poor man couldn't hide his stutter.

After my unnecessary revelation, we fell in to a comfortable discussion surrounding work and personal progression. We had a lot in common despite a nine year age gap and there was no awkward silences, although it was obvious we were both thinking ahead on what to say next.

After a while we got on to why we were single and why he didn't have children. He described how his ex wife had children who were around 8 years and 10 years old (roughly the same as mine) and how his ex wasn't prepared to "go through it" again after a decade. At this point I fell in to my Bridget Jones character and started to sympathise with my dates ex wife.... I agreed with her worries and felt her pain (despite her being over 10 years older than me.)  Word to the wise... things aren't going well when you have more in common with your dates ex, than you have with your date.

That being said, Mr. Lainston must have liked my Bridget Jones personality more than my desired Miss.Bennet as the second date has already been booked.

I guess Mr. Lainston came without prejudice....but I hope he came with some pride.

Lies and Deceit: Meeting Ms. Awkward Al

A while ago I wrote out about my first Tinder date - Meeting Awkward Al - despite the awkward mishaps and his cheating confessions, he was a very sweet guy. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a twinge of disappointment when he admitted he wasn't quite ready to move on from his previous relationship. Notice his choice of words, "move on" insinuating that the relationship was in the past, that and the fact he was on tinder.

"Awkward Al" shall be renamed "Ass-wipe Al" because "Ass-wipe Al" can't move on from a relationship that he's still in.

How do I know this? Because three months after our date "Ass-wipe Al's" girlfriend, the woman that bore his three children, rang me from his number and delivered the Spanish inquisition.

Sadly I've been this girl before, heart-broken and angry, taking out my hurt and confusion on 'the other woman.' I've gone through my ex's texts and call lists so I could piece together the affair and labelled the girl involved as an utter slut. Obviously in this instance nothing physical happened but Ms. Awkward Al had been betrayed. And somehow I ended up shaking, crying and defending myself during this shocking phone revelation.

Why do woman automatically go for the 'other woman's' jugular? I know there's a girl code/general respect for others however a girl isn't a slut for dating (what she's told is) a single guy. The lies from "Ass-wipe Al" is the only reason this woman has been hurt. The deceit from "Ass-wipe Al" is the only reason I ended up on a date with him.

So far all I've gotten out of Tinder is a growing list of things that I require in a man;

1. Must live in the same country 
2. Must have own teeth and hair
3. Must be employed
4. Must. Be. Single. 

I'm probably being a little too fussy but that drama is one I'd like to avoid happening again. 

Any more "Ass-wipe Als" need not apply.

A Tinder Revelation - Yummy Yank's and Tinder Sims

So i've already posted about "that guy who's only in town for a few days" and how they're only after one thing.... but there's always one exception to the rule!! It's wise to stay clear of these tinder players, however about 8 weeks ago I "matched" with someone "down the road" from me. It turned out they worked on a ship and were only docked in my local area for the day, but by the time this essential information was established I'd already decided I wanted to get to know him.

What a fatal mistake that was.

By the time my "Yummy Yank" was half way across european sea's my heart was jumping every time my phone "pinged" with a new message. This is a recipe for disaster... when there is land and sea between a guy and a gal this means there is room for fantasy. This is possibly why "sexting" (and the like) happens, because it's so easy to forget you're speaking to a real life human, much the same for any online interaction. Interacting online causes a delayed reaction, time to think about your response to a question or to a witty remark. It gives you time to be the best version of yourself. This is what I did with my american hunk... I'd like to think I was witty and loveable, he was talented and interesting. Yummy Yank quickly became (for lack of a better term) my favourite PenPal.

Over time we got to know one another, days and time differences went by, (PG) photos were exchanged, phone calls, Facebook adds, voice notes and "if only's" happened; however one huge problem remained, I'd never actually met him.

The problem with a virtual attraction is that it can quickly become part of a daily routine:

"Morning babe", "Did you sleep well?", "How are you?" , "I had a busy day, how was yours?" 

The real sucker is that you can become attached and actually start missing a person you've never met. When normal life takes hold and you realise it's not a normal relationship, you can almost get withdrawals, even become loyal. Suddenly the messages become few and far between, a gap that you didn't realise was filled becomes empty. This is the problem I've discovered with online dating, with online life in general, online life is so far removed from real life (ground breaking, I know).

You can be talking with a lovely person all day, loose time to your messaging device, and go to sleep with a smile on your face because of something cute a "Yummy Yank" has sent you... but it's still lonely.

What i've noticed (and guilty of) is that when talking to someone online you can build a perfect image and personality of a person in your head - much the same as a sims character! (Which 90's kid built their "perfect" partner on sims!?) The Sims concept happens in tinder/online dating and then you meet that perfectly normal, flawed human being, and they don't meet your perfect assumption. And thats it... you're back to swiping left or right, alone.

Without land and sea would my Yummy Yank still be my perfect Sim's character? I'd like to think so. But whilst I'm anchored to my own shores I realise, whether I'm online or offline,  I'm no where near a perfect sim's character myself so neither should my Yummy Yank; or any other poor unsuspecting character.

Let's remember, the online world is warped but a true partner will want you flaws and all.

Date #2 - there's some things you should never say...

So date number two happened and I'll begin this blog post with a few tips:

1. In your nervous state, DON'T rush to the toilet for a last minute number 1. There is a chance you will forget to check your flies and spend the first 20 minutes of your date flying low...this includes the first introduction where you check each other out. (Yes this happened. Yes it was me flying low.)
   
2. Telling stories about someone going to jail for putting a beer bottle up a sleeping mans back entrance is possibly not the best story to tell on a first date....
   
3. When discussing names for future children remember your dates name, claiming you don't like names beginning with their initial is never a good start...
   
4. Discussing future children's names is possibly too keen.
   
5. Do not choose a restaurant full of screaming kids.
   
6. Try and remember that you don't have to say everything that goes through your mind...mentioning how worried you were that said date would rape or murder you doesn't go down too well.
   
7. Do NOT point out that the women drugged up to her eyeballs and shouting in the street is in fact your neighbour, and then try and claim you live in a nice area.
   
8. Don't take the second date to the same pub as the first date....the staff may start talking.
   
9. When saying goodbye DON'T ask for gum, they could get the wrong idea on how well the date went.

Date number two was sweet, he had his own hair and teeth (what more could a girl want?) He travelled considerable distance to meet me and was very polite when I was late (see tip 1) He's in the navy (hence the story from tip 2) and although there was a few moments of "shit, he hasn't asked me a question...and i've run out of them!"...we chatted for the entire 4.5 hour date (well he had travelled a long way) !!!

When I arrived home I (almost ironically) came across a short film about how a young man challenged himself to try and find his next date "offline" - it's a brilliant film and made me think ALOT (give it a watch). 

Could this spell the end of my tinder dating blogs? Should I try this weird, alien concept of meeting someone offline? 

Well sailor boy was nice, and like i said he has his own hair and teeth...so we'll see, watch this space.