Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em | Polyamorous Paul

Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em - a popular British sitcom shown in the 70's, starring Michael Crawford who played the lead role of loveable Frank. Sadly, this blog doesn't feature a clumsy but adorable male protagonist it features a bigoted, narcissistic character. A character I've named Polyamorous Paul.

So this blog title isn't in reference to the sitcom but is a reminder that these type of men, the Polyamorous Paul's,  are born from women! My poor son has no idea the lesson's I shall be drumming in to him!

So, it started the usual way, with a tinder match. Paul was a fair bit older than me but I hoped this would mean maturity, self assurance, security and achievement. He played polo, which I love, and I met my match when it came to witty retorts. I was delighted when he asked me out and when he suggested a phone call I had the right mix of nerves and excitement.

Before our phone conversation he disappeared off the radar... when he reappeared via text he claimed he had left his phone in a taxi and had been desperate to get hold of me. At this point a faint tingle of alarm bells rang but I told myself to stop being so negative, these things happen!

We continued chatting via text for a couple of days... his tone had changed slightly and began to steer towards boarder line remarks and dodgy innuendos. Alarm bells got louder but I ignored the remarks, or laughed them off, and agreed to a rearrangement of a phone call.

Polyamorous Paul was a pleasure to talk to over the phone, he was well spoken, polite and put my previous apprehension to rest. I got off the phone and told my friend all about him over a few Friday night drinks. I was excited, positive and looked forward to him texting me again.

A few hours after our phone call my phone pinged! I glanced down and saw his name on my screen, with a huge grin on my face I picked up my phone and readied myself to flirt outrageously. It was a Whatsapp message but it wasn't from Polyamorous Paul, it was about him.

At first I couldn't make head nor tail of what was being sent to me (I was a bottle of wine in to my evening at this point) and then I realised the WhatsApp message was in fact a group. A group of women that had dated or messaged Polyamorous Paul, instigated by his long suffering ex.

The evening ended with a phone call from one of the other girls explaining her interaction with Polyamorous Paul and how she had cancelled her date with him after her own alarm bells had rung. Only three hours after my phone call with Polyamorous Paul was I on the phone to a member of his harem - I suddenly felt like a loose women panelist, swapping stories and man bashing except this one deserved it.

The following morning Polyamorous Paul had the audacity to text me.....

I guess the other members told him where to go....

The fact that Polyamorous Paul tried to convince me (and probably himself) that he "wasn't trying to mess anyone around" was laughable, however I was thankful that I'd made a lucky escape.

Moral of the story, listen to the alarm bells of your conscious mind...and Some Mothers Do 'Ave 'Em!

"Ooh Betty ..." When will I learn?

Date #3 - forget Mr. Darcy meet Mr. Lainston

Date number 3 (known as Mr. Lainston) was neither a disaster nor was there a fireworks display, but in my opinion that's a successful date!

Mr. Lainston suggested a first date at a beautiful hotel in my local area, the setting was something out of Downton Abbey. Although i was excited about the venue I'm a modern day girl and expect to pay half for drinks or dinner (but kinda hope he pays) however when he set the expensive venue I seriously hoped he wouldn't make me pay half....at the end of the date I went for the handbag reach, fully knowing i couldn't afford it, and thankfully he declined my offer. But let's not jump to the end....

As I drove up the long drive to the beautiful hotel I played Celine Dion over the radio and allowed my imagination to play away. I pictured Mr.Darcy waiting to greet me by the manor house doors, he would take my arm and glide me towards the garden terrace for champagne and strawberries.  In my mind I was Elizabeth Bennet not Bridget Jones, I would have the same spark and wit as Jane Austen's protagonist; but I would not have any prejudice.

Despite trying to channel the classy Miss. Bennet character I floundered in the first 10 minutes. Instead of being a Jane Austen character I was more like Bridget Jones....Mr. Lainston casually asked me when I'd last visited the hotel, my filter must have deleted itself....

"Well, Mr. Lainston, the last time I was here was my wedding night...which was in 2006, basically a lifetime ago... i barely recognise this place..."

I believe in honesty but my goodness I wish I had lied, the poor man couldn't hide his stutter.

After my unnecessary revelation, we fell in to a comfortable discussion surrounding work and personal progression. We had a lot in common despite a nine year age gap and there was no awkward silences, although it was obvious we were both thinking ahead on what to say next.

After a while we got on to why we were single and why he didn't have children. He described how his ex wife had children who were around 8 years and 10 years old (roughly the same as mine) and how his ex wasn't prepared to "go through it" again after a decade. At this point I fell in to my Bridget Jones character and started to sympathise with my dates ex wife.... I agreed with her worries and felt her pain (despite her being over 10 years older than me.)  Word to the wise... things aren't going well when you have more in common with your dates ex, than you have with your date.

That being said, Mr. Lainston must have liked my Bridget Jones personality more than my desired Miss.Bennet as the second date has already been booked.

I guess Mr. Lainston came without prejudice....but I hope he came with some pride.

Lies and Deceit: Meeting Ms. Awkward Al

A while ago I wrote out about my first Tinder date - Meeting Awkward Al - despite the awkward mishaps and his cheating confessions, he was a very sweet guy. I'd be lying if I said I didn't have a twinge of disappointment when he admitted he wasn't quite ready to move on from his previous relationship. Notice his choice of words, "move on" insinuating that the relationship was in the past, that and the fact he was on tinder.

"Awkward Al" shall be renamed "Ass-wipe Al" because "Ass-wipe Al" can't move on from a relationship that he's still in.

How do I know this? Because three months after our date "Ass-wipe Al's" girlfriend, the woman that bore his three children, rang me from his number and delivered the Spanish inquisition.

Sadly I've been this girl before, heart-broken and angry, taking out my hurt and confusion on 'the other woman.' I've gone through my ex's texts and call lists so I could piece together the affair and labelled the girl involved as an utter slut. Obviously in this instance nothing physical happened but Ms. Awkward Al had been betrayed. And somehow I ended up shaking, crying and defending myself during this shocking phone revelation.

Why do woman automatically go for the 'other woman's' jugular? I know there's a girl code/general respect for others however a girl isn't a slut for dating (what she's told is) a single guy. The lies from "Ass-wipe Al" is the only reason this woman has been hurt. The deceit from "Ass-wipe Al" is the only reason I ended up on a date with him.

So far all I've gotten out of Tinder is a growing list of things that I require in a man;

1. Must live in the same country 
2. Must have own teeth and hair
3. Must be employed
4. Must. Be. Single. 

I'm probably being a little too fussy but that drama is one I'd like to avoid happening again. 

Any more "Ass-wipe Als" need not apply.

A Tinder Revelation - Yummy Yank's and Tinder Sims

So i've already posted about "that guy who's only in town for a few days" and how they're only after one thing.... but there's always one exception to the rule!! It's wise to stay clear of these tinder players, however about 8 weeks ago I "matched" with someone "down the road" from me. It turned out they worked on a ship and were only docked in my local area for the day, but by the time this essential information was established I'd already decided I wanted to get to know him.

What a fatal mistake that was.

By the time my "Yummy Yank" was half way across european sea's my heart was jumping every time my phone "pinged" with a new message. This is a recipe for disaster... when there is land and sea between a guy and a gal this means there is room for fantasy. This is possibly why "sexting" (and the like) happens, because it's so easy to forget you're speaking to a real life human, much the same for any online interaction. Interacting online causes a delayed reaction, time to think about your response to a question or to a witty remark. It gives you time to be the best version of yourself. This is what I did with my american hunk... I'd like to think I was witty and loveable, he was talented and interesting. Yummy Yank quickly became (for lack of a better term) my favourite PenPal.

Over time we got to know one another, days and time differences went by, (PG) photos were exchanged, phone calls, Facebook adds, voice notes and "if only's" happened; however one huge problem remained, I'd never actually met him.

The problem with a virtual attraction is that it can quickly become part of a daily routine:

"Morning babe", "Did you sleep well?", "How are you?" , "I had a busy day, how was yours?" 

The real sucker is that you can become attached and actually start missing a person you've never met. When normal life takes hold and you realise it's not a normal relationship, you can almost get withdrawals, even become loyal. Suddenly the messages become few and far between, a gap that you didn't realise was filled becomes empty. This is the problem I've discovered with online dating, with online life in general, online life is so far removed from real life (ground breaking, I know).

You can be talking with a lovely person all day, loose time to your messaging device, and go to sleep with a smile on your face because of something cute a "Yummy Yank" has sent you... but it's still lonely.

What i've noticed (and guilty of) is that when talking to someone online you can build a perfect image and personality of a person in your head - much the same as a sims character! (Which 90's kid built their "perfect" partner on sims!?) The Sims concept happens in tinder/online dating and then you meet that perfectly normal, flawed human being, and they don't meet your perfect assumption. And thats it... you're back to swiping left or right, alone.

Without land and sea would my Yummy Yank still be my perfect Sim's character? I'd like to think so. But whilst I'm anchored to my own shores I realise, whether I'm online or offline,  I'm no where near a perfect sim's character myself so neither should my Yummy Yank; or any other poor unsuspecting character.

Let's remember, the online world is warped but a true partner will want you flaws and all.

Date #2 - there's some things you should never say...

So date number two happened and I'll begin this blog post with a few tips:

1. In your nervous state, DON'T rush to the toilet for a last minute number 1. There is a chance you will forget to check your flies and spend the first 20 minutes of your date flying low...this includes the first introduction where you check each other out. (Yes this happened. Yes it was me flying low.)
   
2. Telling stories about someone going to jail for putting a beer bottle up a sleeping mans back entrance is possibly not the best story to tell on a first date....
   
3. When discussing names for future children remember your dates name, claiming you don't like names beginning with their initial is never a good start...
   
4. Discussing future children's names is possibly too keen.
   
5. Do not choose a restaurant full of screaming kids.
   
6. Try and remember that you don't have to say everything that goes through your mind...mentioning how worried you were that said date would rape or murder you doesn't go down too well.
   
7. Do NOT point out that the women drugged up to her eyeballs and shouting in the street is in fact your neighbour, and then try and claim you live in a nice area.
   
8. Don't take the second date to the same pub as the first date....the staff may start talking.
   
9. When saying goodbye DON'T ask for gum, they could get the wrong idea on how well the date went.

Date number two was sweet, he had his own hair and teeth (what more could a girl want?) He travelled considerable distance to meet me and was very polite when I was late (see tip 1) He's in the navy (hence the story from tip 2) and although there was a few moments of "shit, he hasn't asked me a question...and i've run out of them!"...we chatted for the entire 4.5 hour date (well he had travelled a long way) !!!

When I arrived home I (almost ironically) came across a short film about how a young man challenged himself to try and find his next date "offline" - it's a brilliant film and made me think ALOT (give it a watch). 

Could this spell the end of my tinder dating blogs? Should I try this weird, alien concept of meeting someone offline? 

Well sailor boy was nice, and like i said he has his own hair and teeth...so we'll see, watch this space. 

Disastrous Date #1 - Meeting Awkward Al

So it had to happened, I went on a date.  I knew the situation would eventually present itself... I couldn't get all my Tinder blog material hidden from behind my phone. So here it is, in all its awkwardness.

To be fair as first dates go, of which I mean meeting a stranger from the internet, it wasn't too bad. The guy looked like his photos, own hair & teeth etc, and was perfectly 'normal'.

The tone of the date was set before it had even started when I arrived at the well lit, public meeting point only to find my parents stood outside chatting with a friend.

"Hi mum, hi Dad, nice to see you.... would you kindly mind leaving, like, NOW!"

Of course I had to explain why I needed them to leave and my mother managed to drag my protective father off just in the nick of time. After my parents timely exit my date arrived, as did my first dating mistake. Having done our introductory's I decided to humorously recall the encounter with my parents, and highlight how awkward it would have been for them to meet. My date, instead of laughing along with me or retorting with a witty response, instantly fell silent and blushed a shade of pink that one could only obtain from their make up pallet.

It took some recovery but we soon got over the "meet the parents" mishap.

We eventually made it to a local pub and settled down to get to know each other over a drink. The conversation was light hearted. We jokingly reassured one another that he wasn't a murderer and I wasn't a physco on day release. As we laughed and joked neither one of us could understand why the other was single (I assume) and then the conversation took on a serious tone when we probed each other on why we were single. I gave him my turn of events: dumped, heartbroken, trying to move on blah blah blah and then he told me his story. (Boy's please take note and NEVER do this on a date)

Awkward Al (that's what we'll call him) recalled his 12 year loving relationship, in which produced three strapping young boys. Awkward Al went on to retell how he met his ex, and how they'd grown as a couple over the years....I started to feel like I'd walked in on a love story. Al then told me how he hadn't meant to have a fling and had gotten carried away when he'd received some unwelcome attention from the office vixen. Poor awkward Al did seem incredibly remorseful.

After Al's intense confession I excused myself for a toilet break and to recompose myself,  he was surprised when I arrived back at our table, assuming that I would've made a break for it. I then wondered if I would've done if it wasn't for the fact i'd left my phone on the table.

Having reassured one another that neither of us know what we want or even if we were ready to move on from our previous relationships, we decided to take a walk to lighten the mood again. The light hearted banter resumed and we both started to relax....until we rounded the corner and entered the cathedral grounds. Before I could realise what we had walked in to, I heard the joyful chime of the cathedral bells only to look up and see we had walked in to a wedding party. I'm pretty sure the happy couple will find their wedding photos feature two horrified strangers on a awkward date.

As we swiftly maneuvered away from all the commitment awkward Al began to explain why he didn't agree with marriage, no shit sherlock, 12 year relationship and three kids, it kind've figured!

We eventually found a street performer to watch - the poor chap was terrible but somehow we were able to bond over our disappointment in his performance. Things were once again lighthearted and looking up, until I actually looked up... and saw my children, who were spending the day with their father, hurtling up the high street.

RUN, RUN, RUN - is all i could say.... and I'm sure all he was thinking.

The next day I received a text from Awkward Al explaining that, although he thought I was "great", he wasn't quite ready to move pass his ex.

What did I learn from this? - Don't date close to home. Don't mention any near mishaps with family members. Don't become part of a wedding party. Don't discuss previous infidelity. And DON'T leave your phone behind on the table.

Tinder Lessons #2 - Clocking & Culling Crazies

Some choose to use tinder for a laugh, some are deadly serious about finding a partner, some feel they  have no other choice and some are just plain crazy.

Usually the crazy ones make it obvious that they are that way inclined, take Kylie for example;

A quick swipe left (having screen shot for evidence!) and the crazy has been adverted! This is where online dating is handy for crazy culling. 

The ones only interested in one thing (S.E.X) usually make their intentions known pretty quick, they're on their own culling mission, see my blog post Tinder Tactics to see how I dealt with that tinder crazy. 

However some of the crazy ones creep up on you, lets look at an example of this -"Mike."

Mike's profile makes you pause from your tinder perfected "quick flick" (this is when someone quickly flicks through multiple profiles, keep it clean!) Mike has carefully, painstakingly put his profile together in a bid to hide his crazy tendencies.

• Mike may have a photo of him posing with a puppy - he does this to show his sweet, sensitive side. 
• Mike's second photo may be him posing in a smart suit - he does this to demonstrate he is clean, successful and you can take him to meet family/friends knowing he'll look the part.
• Mike will include a picture of him posing with the lads - this is to show he has friends and enjoys a good time despite being single and certainly doesn't sit at home on tinder.....
•  Mike will have a picture of him doing a charity run/tough mudder/ outdoor pursuit - he does this to let you know that he's not all about nights out but takes great care in himself and charities
• Mike's final photo, and the first clue to his craziness, is of him staring directly down the camera without a hint of a smile/funnyface/silly pout - he wants you to see his naturally chiselled good looks but if you take your time and look closer... you see it. You can see the crazy in the eyes. 

Sadly this wont be detected the first or even fifth time you glance at this photo but as the saying goes, "the eyes are the window to someones soul". 

So how does the crazy manifest itself - well crazy Mike will come across as perfectly normal to begin with. You'll have the same back and forth mundane messages as you do with anyone else on Tinder. You'll discover where he's from, what he does for a living, he'll tell you how his weekend was or what he has planned. 

Mike may suggest swapping numbers or moving to whatsapp, no harm in that, right? Wrong. You've just opened up another line of communication. After a few more messages he suggests a coffee or drink when you're next free - to double check he's not crazy you find each other on Facebook. Although Facebook is another line opened it is helpful for culling the catfish/fakes. 

Whilst on facebook you notice a few more photos with the uncomfortable stare into the camera look. Mean while the messages are getting a tad more frequent....you have dinner and don't message back for half hour (or more) and see three (or more) messages have arrived, each one desperately trying to sound more casual than the last. 

Eventually you decide you're not feeling the vibe and pull out, 

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to move on" 

This is when the crazy steps up..."okay, well when will you be ready?"

Okay so he's not getting it "well i'll be sure to let you know when i do (crazy) mike" 

"Cool, look forward to hearing from you" 

A week later you receive "So, whats going on charlie?" 

Retreat. Retreat. Retreat.  Crazy is on red alert - unmatch, delete and block from all lines of communication. 

Always trust your instincts and cull those crazies. Poor crazy mike probably wasn't that bad....

Tinder Lesson #1 - Tinder Tactics

Before I post about my one and only tinder date experience (thus far) I thought I would post about the Tinder Tactics I've noticed so far...or one in particular - the distance tactic.

You see a guy (or girl) that you like the look of, you click on their profile and flick through their pictures, you think their profile sounds interesting.. maybe it says:

 "i'm an easy going guy that likes a good night out but appreciates a night spooning on the sofa. I love adventures and just want a Jane to my Tarzan"

You think, "I love going out, I love spooning and I love Tarzan!"

You match and get chatting.

Tinder guy: hey, how are you? what do you do?

Tinder Girl: hi, i'm good. I work as a .......  (it doesn't matter what you do for a living he doesn't care). What do you do? where are you based?

TG: I work as a *insert any job that involves travel* So I'm only in this area for a couple more days. You fancy meeting up for a coffee?

Girl: Yeah that would be good. Are you sure though? You're leaving soon.... 

The girl starts envisioning a romantic coffee shop date, longing looks over lattes, mind blowing conversation, she'd be witty, he'd be charming. By the end of the date, knowing he'd soon be leaving on the next ship to Timbuktu, they kiss and promise one another that a long distance relationship could work for them. Maybe a bit over the top but you catch my drift.

Instead she receives.....

Ah, silly naive Tinder girl, the "only in town for a couple days" tactic - the oldest trick in the book, she'd seen it before but fallen for it again. Exhausted by the arduous throws of online dating

tinder girl doesn't click "un-match" straight away...she goes in for a dry, sarcastic response - that'll show him.

In retrospect this wasn't as witty as she initially imagined and obviously the sarcastic tone of voice could only be heard in her head..... Tinder girl essentially gave Tinder guy the green light to be as colourful as he wanted.

In fact Tinder guy was so colourful that the full message cant be published.

So Tinder Girl learnt a valuable lesson, don't use sarcasm - especially when referring to sex.

Authors Note: this is a true tinder tale of which the author has meticulously kept all individuals identities anonymous. (SEE sarcasm can be read!) 

One month of Titillating Tinder

I vowed I would never "Do" Tinder, in fact I told a guy I met in a bar (you know? the way you never actually meet someone) how I would never succumb to the app. Fast forward a few texts and awkwardly bumping into each other at the gym I figured I would jump on the tinder band wagon.

Seriously, how bad could it be? Well a month later and shock horror the experience has been no fairytale but has warranted a blog of its very own. 

 

I've had matches, thank god! There's been conversations, some of which haven't been like drawing blood from a stone. And there has been a date, even if it was a disaster.

My original problem with tinder came from my own insecurities and my general aversion to the shallowness of human beings. You either say "yay"or "nay" to a persons picture - one image, one angle, one occasion. You may click on to a profile and click "yay" or "nay" based on 5 images, 5 angles, 5 different occasions. You may click "yay" or "nay" after reading a sentence or  paragraph from someone, essentially, selling themselves. It's not real life, it's not a entire human being and it's not how people usually meet. However Tinder isn't really any different to other dating sites, most people wont say a virtual "hello" if theres at least one thing on someones profile that doesn't seem appealing.. theres no room for "falling for a person" and accepting or appreciating differences in personality/hobbies.. all virtual dating is pretty cut throat and in the process we could be culling someone we could gel with. 

Despite my thoughts on virtual dating I've opened the door...and although it's already met my low expectations I still hold hope of meeting a gent, in the mean time my Tinder altercations are nothing short of cringe and hilarious - If I'm willing to be open and naive on a dating site then why not share my titillating tinder experiences online too? 

It's no Disney fairy tale but it'll be a hilarious tale to tell...