Tinder Tales Returns.... 'I yam what I yam'

Recently I decided to delve back into the world of dating, one date in and several horrendous ‘matches’ later, I’m wondering what on earth possessed me. Well, I know what prompted me to give dating another go and the truth is I’m lonely.

I’m working hard at my career, loving time with my children, appreciating time with my family and friends BUT the companionship, closeness and everything else a relationship brings is something I miss. Sometimes the hardest part is being honest as to why we’re putting ourselves through modern day dating. It’s made even harder when those already in relationships assure me that ‘you’re fine on your own’, ‘You can use this time to be selfish and work on yourself’ or ‘He’s right around the corner, stop looking and you’ll find him’ – that last one is my favourite…. Between a full time job and full-time mummy position I only have 4 nights a month to meet someone ‘the normal way’. To be quite frank I don’t fancy hanging out in a bar in case my ‘knight in shining armour’ strolls by, nor am I up for joining a weekend dance group on the off chance a eligible bachelor in his 30's  joins me in a ‘step-ball change’.

I tell a lie, I joined an adult kick-boxing class in a bid to ‘work on myself’ whilst putting myself into a new social setting that could mean an opportunity to meet single men…. turns out my class considers ‘adults’ as 12 years and up; sparring with adolescent boys is not the ideal dating situation.

Anyway, I’ve been looking for silver linings recently and the silver lining to my dating woes is that TINDER TALES IS BACK (for now).  I’ll begin with a couple of my matches….

‘Cross Chris’

This match was quick off the mark with the ‘warning signs’. Cross Chris opened up our chat by telling me his work place had ‘dress down Fridays’ – when a guy starts talking about clothes, or by the nature of this day the potential lack of clothes, my internal warning bells go off sharpish. You may be thinking that I was over-reacting, surely ‘dress-down Fridays’ just means casual wear? And you’re right, thankfully I did not receive any pictures of a naked man, a possible interpretation of  ‘dress down’.

Instead Cross Chris provided me photo evidence of his choose of ‘dress down’ uniform…. He decided to go into work with a skirt on, not a kilt or a ‘just for fun’ tutu, a denim skirt and black stockings (footwear info was not divulged).  My dating alarm bells rung’eth once more BUT I thought to myself ‘don’t judge, he could be a hoot, he could have just lost a bet’.

A couple of days later Cross Chris decides to tell me he once went on a night out dressed as a woman and proceeded to provide me with yet more photo evidence – it is at that point I made a vow to myself that I never thought I’d have to make, ‘I shall never date a man who makes a prettier woman than myself’.

Cross Chris must have taken my radio silence as a sign that his cross-dressing wasn’t something that turned me on, so he sent me as picture of himself in jeans. Upon closer inspection of the photograph I could see through a hole on his jeans and on his feet that he is was in fact still wearing black stockings.

Sorry Cross Dressing Chris – I’ve not got enough stockings for the both of us.

Other Matches include: Dry Demi and Crude Craig. I'll just leave a couple screenshots below and you'll get the idea...

And finally, my first date back on the scene – Popeye Pete.

I’ll keep this one short because the chap was lovely however he ended the date in the most bizarre way. Popeye Pete finished the date in a way some men approach women… he asked me the following, “Can I pick you up?”

Me: ummmm excuse me?

PP: I just want to see if I can pick you up!

Yes, he literally wants to LIFT me up IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET.

Me: OH.. OH, I’m heavier than I look… and I look pretty heavy. You don’t want to hurt yourself

*Bad move Charlie, that’s a red flag to a man’s ego. ‘He man, He lift woman’*

Don’t ask me why but I relented and allowed this man to lift me up.

PP:  SEE, you’re not heavy at all *said slightly strained and with flushed cheeks.

So the first few matches and first date that have brought me back to Tinder Tales have left me feeling heavy yet deflated but I’m going to keep trying. There will be a perfectly imperfect person out there for me - my very own Popeye who will lift my spirits, lift my laughter, lift my confidence in love but most definitely not lift me up outside an estate agents.... 'I yam what I yam'

Have we got a connection?

Recently I mentioned on Instagram that my love life felt like my wifi connection, "it keeps me guessing as to whether it's going to work or not." The more I thought about this the more I realised how true it was.... getting a wifi/love interest to connect isn't always easy.

For some people they can meet, date, connect and end up with a full on committed broadband plan - like my newly engaged little sister. Others think they've got an awesome deal until the connection keeps dropping, the refresh button no longer works, the service provider doesn't give a fuck and eventually leaves one to seriously consider investing in a dongle - like me.

If you've read my previous posts you'll know that I hold a flame for someone roughly 6000km away, who said I cause my own problems!? But I'm trying not to focus all my energy on waiting for something, or rather someone that may never happen. I'm trying to date but getting that connection isn't easy, I'm not exactly putting myself 'out there' but I think about it and surely the thought counts?

Just before Christmas I started to talk to a really sweet young guy, talking was fine...I liked having a pen pal. [ Guys, don't chase a girl that calls you 'a really sweet guy' it's girl code for 'ain't happening.'] Anyway, eventually my sweet pen pal started to suggest meeting up... in fact his first suggestion was that I came along to watch his polo lesson. yep.

Eventually I decided to bite the bullet and go on a real life date with him. We arranged to meet me on my lunch break, which I thought would be a good idea - no time for a meal, had a reason to escape and was only going to be a maximum of an hour. Sounds like an ideal set-up for a first date, right? Well here's a tip, don't tell the guys in your office you have a date with a virtual stranger. They will film you greeting your date from the office window whilst narrating the awkward situation as if it were a David Attenborough documentary.

We arrived together at the wine bar over the road from where I work, no sooner were we through the doors did my 'sweet guy' run off to use the bathroom - five minutes or so later he was back and our date could begin. To be fair it wasn't all that bad but I quickly realised we had nothing in common or at least were at different stages of our life's; nothing wrong with that.

One thing that got on my nerves was that my 'sweet guy' was a Vegan Convert, so I'll call him 'Vinny Vegan'. Now before I make any enemies I have no problem with vegans, I found a lot of what Vinny Vegan said very, very interesting (okay maybe only one 'very'). My date was very passionate about veganism, to the point where I felt a little shit for my life choices - at one point he was banging on about the rotting meat in my stomach and I had a little day dream about a nice medium-rare steak (note to self: do not day dream about meat whilst on a date with a vegan).

Anyway, eventually my date moved on from veganism and on to travelling. Everyone on tinder travels. When he had finished telling me all about his recent trip to South America he asked me about my travels... I didn't tell him about my Tinder Trip to New York (or i would've started daydreaming about that too), so I simply said, "I don't travel as I have kids but one day I'll do it all." If there was ever a conversation killer, that was it.

I was a little relieved that we had finished our drinks and had come to a natural end to the date, until he suggested we stayed for one more. I was in shock if I'm honest... I thought we both knew we weren't exactly bouncing off one another. Not wanting to hurt his feelings I agreed to one more QUICK drink. Vinny Vegan ordered us another round and then announced he needed the toilet again, off he went and then arrived the drinks bill. I have no problems buying a date drinks, going dutch on dinner etc, BUT do not order a second round of drinks on a date that you've convinced the other person to stay on and fuck off to the toilet.

I paid the bill and as Vinny Vegan came strolling back to the bar all I wanted to say was 'we must stop MEATING like this. Get it? MEAT, you're a vegan!' Don't worry I held back my witty joke and waited for him to realise I'd paid for the drinks - the date went on, he drank his drink, not a murmur of thanks. Not even, ' Oh SHIT, I haven't paid for the drinks....oh, you got them? Thanks so much' - nothing, nada, zilch.

The end of the drink meant the end of the date but not before he ran off to use the loo for the third time. Seriously kid, whats going on there? Like I said, Vinny Vegan is a 'really sweet guy' but there just wasn't a connection.

I think I've been so worried that I should be dating, when I don't want too. Then I've wanted to date but not wanted to give up on the one person I feel I do have a connection with. Then I realised that I need to give less fucks and go with the flow. So I'm going to date when I want to, fantasise about settling down with my American Hunk when I want to and generally give myself a break when it comes to dating.

One day I'll find a connection with a sexy fibre optic, non vegan, broadband plan - in the meantime does anyone know of any good dongle deals?

What do you think I meant by dongle?? Rude ;)