Without going in to the gory details or slamming the character of my ex boyfriend, I'll keep this light on information. So if any of my readers (and I hope there are some) have had their heart mashed in to a million pieces you'll know the pain may not be physical but it's indescribable!
One evening my friends and family took a break from counselling me through my break up and I had a moment to be totally self indulgent, so I took the opportunity to stop being strong and feel sorry for myself.
I didn't just listen to "The top 10 best break up songs" and have a little cry; I cried for my children and the disappointment I felt for letting them down with another father figure, I cried for the future I had been working towards as part of a couple, I cried because I felt unloved and alone, I cried because I was scared and I cried because the tears were flowing and I could hear myself echoing around the room.
I cried for myself.
Suddenly I took a deep breath and had a moment of self reflection - "What if I see my way out this darkness and I actually feel good again?" At the time it seemed like climbing Mount Everest but I hung on to that thought like the anchor of a ship riding out a rough storm. That evening I had a sudden urge to document how I was feeling at the lowest of the low in the hope that one day I could look back and see a progression - similar to a "before and after" picture for weight loss or a DIY project.
No one ever takes pictures of sad moments - you don't hire a photographer for a funeral? But suddenly I was a photographer for the funeral of my own relationship...
This photo was taken the 5th April 2015 - the moment that I thought I would never be able to get my 'shit' together. I didn't have a job and I didn't have a plan - I was paper work and a signature away from dropping out of university and I was contemplating all sorts of negative things.
Through the love of EVERYBODY in my life and (without blowing my own trumpet) my sheer determination (!) the person in that photograph is a stranger to me now. I remember how I felt at the time of the photograph being taken but it feels like a lifetime ago.
So why have I just publicly aired my dirty laundry and posted the most unattractive photo of myself? Because my story of heartbreak and what was a bleak time in my life is now a distant memory - in fact it serves me as encouragement when I'm feeling defeated.
If your heart is breaking, times are tough and nothing seems 'do-able' - take a photo! Take a photo and leave it in your camera roll, almost forget you took it and when the sun starts to feel warmer, you heart doesn't feel as heavy and you're smile is bigger - look back on that old, hurt, broken you and feel encouraged that you've mended your broken heart. YOU can bring yourself though the tough times and just like a DIY project you're a work in progress, the photo is just an awesome 'before and after'.
“Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass...It's about learning to dance in the rain.”
Love C
😢 I'm sad that you had to go through that but thank God you made it! You're such a strong person Charlie!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much - we'll all experience heartache in some form at some stage in life, it's how we deal with it that is most important, as I believe it shapes our future selfs! Lots of love xx
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