Disastrous Date #1 - Meeting Awkward Al

So it had to happened, I went on a date.  I knew the situation would eventually present itself... I couldn't get all my Tinder blog material hidden from behind my phone. So here it is, in all its awkwardness.

To be fair as first dates go, of which I mean meeting a stranger from the internet, it wasn't too bad. The guy looked like his photos, own hair & teeth etc, and was perfectly 'normal'.

The tone of the date was set before it had even started when I arrived at the well lit, public meeting point only to find my parents stood outside chatting with a friend.

"Hi mum, hi Dad, nice to see you.... would you kindly mind leaving, like, NOW!"

Of course I had to explain why I needed them to leave and my mother managed to drag my protective father off just in the nick of time. After my parents timely exit my date arrived, as did my first dating mistake. Having done our introductory's I decided to humorously recall the encounter with my parents, and highlight how awkward it would have been for them to meet. My date, instead of laughing along with me or retorting with a witty response, instantly fell silent and blushed a shade of pink that one could only obtain from their make up pallet.

It took some recovery but we soon got over the "meet the parents" mishap.

We eventually made it to a local pub and settled down to get to know each other over a drink. The conversation was light hearted. We jokingly reassured one another that he wasn't a murderer and I wasn't a physco on day release. As we laughed and joked neither one of us could understand why the other was single (I assume) and then the conversation took on a serious tone when we probed each other on why we were single. I gave him my turn of events: dumped, heartbroken, trying to move on blah blah blah and then he told me his story. (Boy's please take note and NEVER do this on a date)

Awkward Al (that's what we'll call him) recalled his 12 year loving relationship, in which produced three strapping young boys. Awkward Al went on to retell how he met his ex, and how they'd grown as a couple over the years....I started to feel like I'd walked in on a love story. Al then told me how he hadn't meant to have a fling and had gotten carried away when he'd received some unwelcome attention from the office vixen. Poor awkward Al did seem incredibly remorseful.

After Al's intense confession I excused myself for a toilet break and to recompose myself,  he was surprised when I arrived back at our table, assuming that I would've made a break for it. I then wondered if I would've done if it wasn't for the fact i'd left my phone on the table.

Having reassured one another that neither of us know what we want or even if we were ready to move on from our previous relationships, we decided to take a walk to lighten the mood again. The light hearted banter resumed and we both started to relax....until we rounded the corner and entered the cathedral grounds. Before I could realise what we had walked in to, I heard the joyful chime of the cathedral bells only to look up and see we had walked in to a wedding party. I'm pretty sure the happy couple will find their wedding photos feature two horrified strangers on a awkward date.

As we swiftly maneuvered away from all the commitment awkward Al began to explain why he didn't agree with marriage, no shit sherlock, 12 year relationship and three kids, it kind've figured!

We eventually found a street performer to watch - the poor chap was terrible but somehow we were able to bond over our disappointment in his performance. Things were once again lighthearted and looking up, until I actually looked up... and saw my children, who were spending the day with their father, hurtling up the high street.

RUN, RUN, RUN - is all i could say.... and I'm sure all he was thinking.

The next day I received a text from Awkward Al explaining that, although he thought I was "great", he wasn't quite ready to move pass his ex.

What did I learn from this? - Don't date close to home. Don't mention any near mishaps with family members. Don't become part of a wedding party. Don't discuss previous infidelity. And DON'T leave your phone behind on the table.

Tinder Lessons #2 - Clocking & Culling Crazies

Some choose to use tinder for a laugh, some are deadly serious about finding a partner, some feel they  have no other choice and some are just plain crazy.

Usually the crazy ones make it obvious that they are that way inclined, take Kylie for example;

A quick swipe left (having screen shot for evidence!) and the crazy has been adverted! This is where online dating is handy for crazy culling. 

The ones only interested in one thing (S.E.X) usually make their intentions known pretty quick, they're on their own culling mission, see my blog post Tinder Tactics to see how I dealt with that tinder crazy. 

However some of the crazy ones creep up on you, lets look at an example of this -"Mike."

Mike's profile makes you pause from your tinder perfected "quick flick" (this is when someone quickly flicks through multiple profiles, keep it clean!) Mike has carefully, painstakingly put his profile together in a bid to hide his crazy tendencies.

• Mike may have a photo of him posing with a puppy - he does this to show his sweet, sensitive side. 
• Mike's second photo may be him posing in a smart suit - he does this to demonstrate he is clean, successful and you can take him to meet family/friends knowing he'll look the part.
• Mike will include a picture of him posing with the lads - this is to show he has friends and enjoys a good time despite being single and certainly doesn't sit at home on tinder.....
•  Mike will have a picture of him doing a charity run/tough mudder/ outdoor pursuit - he does this to let you know that he's not all about nights out but takes great care in himself and charities
• Mike's final photo, and the first clue to his craziness, is of him staring directly down the camera without a hint of a smile/funnyface/silly pout - he wants you to see his naturally chiselled good looks but if you take your time and look closer... you see it. You can see the crazy in the eyes. 

Sadly this wont be detected the first or even fifth time you glance at this photo but as the saying goes, "the eyes are the window to someones soul". 

So how does the crazy manifest itself - well crazy Mike will come across as perfectly normal to begin with. You'll have the same back and forth mundane messages as you do with anyone else on Tinder. You'll discover where he's from, what he does for a living, he'll tell you how his weekend was or what he has planned. 

Mike may suggest swapping numbers or moving to whatsapp, no harm in that, right? Wrong. You've just opened up another line of communication. After a few more messages he suggests a coffee or drink when you're next free - to double check he's not crazy you find each other on Facebook. Although Facebook is another line opened it is helpful for culling the catfish/fakes. 

Whilst on facebook you notice a few more photos with the uncomfortable stare into the camera look. Mean while the messages are getting a tad more frequent....you have dinner and don't message back for half hour (or more) and see three (or more) messages have arrived, each one desperately trying to sound more casual than the last. 

Eventually you decide you're not feeling the vibe and pull out, 

"I'm not sure if I'm ready to move on" 

This is when the crazy steps up..."okay, well when will you be ready?"

Okay so he's not getting it "well i'll be sure to let you know when i do (crazy) mike" 

"Cool, look forward to hearing from you" 

A week later you receive "So, whats going on charlie?" 

Retreat. Retreat. Retreat.  Crazy is on red alert - unmatch, delete and block from all lines of communication. 

Always trust your instincts and cull those crazies. Poor crazy mike probably wasn't that bad....

Tinder Lesson #1 - Tinder Tactics

Before I post about my one and only tinder date experience (thus far) I thought I would post about the Tinder Tactics I've noticed so far...or one in particular - the distance tactic.

You see a guy (or girl) that you like the look of, you click on their profile and flick through their pictures, you think their profile sounds interesting.. maybe it says:

 "i'm an easy going guy that likes a good night out but appreciates a night spooning on the sofa. I love adventures and just want a Jane to my Tarzan"

You think, "I love going out, I love spooning and I love Tarzan!"

You match and get chatting.

Tinder guy: hey, how are you? what do you do?

Tinder Girl: hi, i'm good. I work as a .......  (it doesn't matter what you do for a living he doesn't care). What do you do? where are you based?

TG: I work as a *insert any job that involves travel* So I'm only in this area for a couple more days. You fancy meeting up for a coffee?

Girl: Yeah that would be good. Are you sure though? You're leaving soon.... 

The girl starts envisioning a romantic coffee shop date, longing looks over lattes, mind blowing conversation, she'd be witty, he'd be charming. By the end of the date, knowing he'd soon be leaving on the next ship to Timbuktu, they kiss and promise one another that a long distance relationship could work for them. Maybe a bit over the top but you catch my drift.

Instead she receives.....

Ah, silly naive Tinder girl, the "only in town for a couple days" tactic - the oldest trick in the book, she'd seen it before but fallen for it again. Exhausted by the arduous throws of online dating

tinder girl doesn't click "un-match" straight away...she goes in for a dry, sarcastic response - that'll show him.

In retrospect this wasn't as witty as she initially imagined and obviously the sarcastic tone of voice could only be heard in her head..... Tinder girl essentially gave Tinder guy the green light to be as colourful as he wanted.

In fact Tinder guy was so colourful that the full message cant be published.

So Tinder Girl learnt a valuable lesson, don't use sarcasm - especially when referring to sex.

Authors Note: this is a true tinder tale of which the author has meticulously kept all individuals identities anonymous. (SEE sarcasm can be read!) 

One month of Titillating Tinder

I vowed I would never "Do" Tinder, in fact I told a guy I met in a bar (you know? the way you never actually meet someone) how I would never succumb to the app. Fast forward a few texts and awkwardly bumping into each other at the gym I figured I would jump on the tinder band wagon.

Seriously, how bad could it be? Well a month later and shock horror the experience has been no fairytale but has warranted a blog of its very own. 

 

I've had matches, thank god! There's been conversations, some of which haven't been like drawing blood from a stone. And there has been a date, even if it was a disaster.

My original problem with tinder came from my own insecurities and my general aversion to the shallowness of human beings. You either say "yay"or "nay" to a persons picture - one image, one angle, one occasion. You may click on to a profile and click "yay" or "nay" based on 5 images, 5 angles, 5 different occasions. You may click "yay" or "nay" after reading a sentence or  paragraph from someone, essentially, selling themselves. It's not real life, it's not a entire human being and it's not how people usually meet. However Tinder isn't really any different to other dating sites, most people wont say a virtual "hello" if theres at least one thing on someones profile that doesn't seem appealing.. theres no room for "falling for a person" and accepting or appreciating differences in personality/hobbies.. all virtual dating is pretty cut throat and in the process we could be culling someone we could gel with. 

Despite my thoughts on virtual dating I've opened the door...and although it's already met my low expectations I still hold hope of meeting a gent, in the mean time my Tinder altercations are nothing short of cringe and hilarious - If I'm willing to be open and naive on a dating site then why not share my titillating tinder experiences online too? 

It's no Disney fairy tale but it'll be a hilarious tale to tell...