I’ve been dating for four (very long) years and this blog began as an outlet and documentation of the ridiculous messages, dating disasters, funny slip-ups and hurtful moments. I chose to share stories and the blog on my Instagram; I wanted to be honest, I wanted to be real and relatable; I wanted to be truly uncensored. However, I recently experienced something deeply upsetting and stopped documenting what was happening with a particular guy. I don’t have to share everything (and I don’t) but I am going to be honest with this experience because, besides the hurt and the embarrassment I feel, I’ve also learnt and grown, and that’s the part I want to share.
I met a man; another one old enough and experienced enough to know better. We dated; we texted; we spoke on the phone; we kissed; we held hands; we planned another date; we danced together to live music, on a Sunday afternoon, in the middle of a pub full of people; we got intimate.
He left; he texted once; he didn't text back; he didn’t confirm our next date; he didn’t answer my calls; he ghosted me.
(I had to write it like that, short and quick… like him; I know, cheap shot.)
I woke up in the middle of the night to check my phone for messages. I made excuses for his silence. I beat myself up for my stupidity and for rushing feelings. I berated myself and picked myself apart trying to figure out everything that was wrong with me.
I deleted Tinder and decided being alone was better than the risk of getting hurt again. I started a full-on self-pity party and began work on my tiny little violin.
A week later it was my best friend’s wedding. That weekend I was surrounded not only by people that were in loving relationships but by people that love me and I love right back. It’s not romantic love but it’s affirming, reassuring, confidence building and heartwarming.
The wedding was full of support and adoration for the most amazing couple. And amongst the entire wedding party, there were tears, laughter, hugs, compliments, listening ears, supportive words and more hugs. If you haven’t guessed already, I’m still on a high from the occasion!
One particular moment that will stay with me for the rest of time was the first dance. The grooms took to the dance floor and held one another, surrounded by all of their friends and family supporting their love. The cover from Kygo and the late pop icon Whitney Houston, "Higher Love", was the perfect song for the atmosphere.
Looking over the lyrcis this verse couldn’t be truer of the feelings felt on the journey towards finding love:
Worlds are turnin', and we're just hanging on
Facing our fear, and standin' out there alone
A yearning, yeah, and it's real to me
There must be someone who's feeling for me
When the beat dropped during the first dance everyone joined the Grooms on the dance floor and lifted them in the air, cheering, laughing and crying happy tears. AND THAT is what relationships, platonic or romantic, are all about - being happy for others, supporting others, lifting others and loving others, flaws and all.
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. – Sam Keen
After the wedding of the year, I’ve gone from feeling low, unattractive and unlovable to being on a high, worthy of more and feeling totally loved. I’ve still not heard from that guy and I don’t want to. I’m holding out for someone that gives me the feeling I get when I’m surrounded by my friends. I will wait for it, I'm not too late for it because ‘there must be someone who’s feeling for me.’
Bring me someone who will be my friend.
Bring me someone who will laugh at my jokes.
Bring me honesty.
Bring me kindness.
Bring me a higher love.
Congratulations to my best friends on their marriage, may you always bask in your higher love from each other and us all 🖤
